“The strangers in this town, they raise you up just to cut you down”

“Oh Angela it’s a long time coming…

Oh Angela spent your whole life running away”

This is the kind of song that i’m only brave enough to listen to once. Maybe three maybe four times. But never on repeat. Songs like these are not like the others.

It reminds me of how fragile i am as a human being. It makes me aware of all the things i’m feeling underneath but refuse to acknowledge, all the things i hide away and keep myself busy from and i don’t think i like it.

It’s the kind of song which i find myself skimming over, too afraid to get attached to, too afraid to appreciate– it leaves my heart aflutter but that is all i’m willing to feel.

This is my first time listening to it and probably even the last. Songs like these welcome unwelcome sentiments.

I don’t know what it’s about other than a pregnant woman called Angela leaving her life behind. I don’t even relate to the lyrics or feel the need to find meaning in it. All i know is that it makes me emotionally regurgitate everything that i’ve kept pressed down for a long while now.

It even makes me think about my grandfather all over again.

I told myself i wouldn’t cry listening to this song, i told myself i would write down a post just to rid myself of whatever growing attachment i had to the song but it’s too fucking late. It always fucking is.

 ****

“All I Want” by Kodaline and “Angela” by The Lumineers bring so much pain and relief to me. It’s not even an “oh man, this stupid cheesy song reminds me of my stupid ex who dedicated it to me almost a decade ago, it’s so fucking lame, switch it off… but first let me sing along to it”. Or a “oh ew this mainstream song that everyone’s listening to, switch it off before i start singing along to it and everyone finds out how lame i am”.

I wish it were like that but I legitimately never ever want to hear any of these songs ever again.

Taking a stand in what you’ll never believe in

I’m in pain. In pain by the fact that no one believes me. By the fact that there really is no justice in the world. By the fact that there are illogical people that walk this earth so far up with their head in the clouds that no amount of rationalizing or conviction can persuade them that what they believe is wrong.

I’m sat here camped out in a corner of my boyfriend’s room a day after i stormed out from my own home in a fit of anger, disbelief and more than a tinge of sadness. No amount of tissues can make up for the tears i’ve shed today and it’s definitely going to take more than cigarettes to calm down this inner turmoil. I don’t want this to mean goodbye but this seems like the final straw. I have my pride and if i can’t begin by even making a change at home, then what chance do i stand in the world?

I am done with being shot down and humored. I am done with taking this abuse and mistreatment. Just because i go down with a fight does not mean i don’t get defeated too. And i am defeated and drained with nothing left to give.

Here’s a hypothetical scenario (that did NOT happen, just to make this clear, this is merely an example to illustrate my situation better):

There’s a rapist and a victim. The rapist attempts the deed but instead comes away with his dick bitten off by the victim. They both get taken in by the police who determine that since he was castrated in the process, both of them are let off scot-free because they both got each other back. All this without taking into any account the intention of the rapist and the trauma the victim faces. 

Oh and also because the victim is a bitch and was talking back to the rapist at the beginning, she should learn how to talk in a less abrasive tone. And not to forget! The rapist was having a bad day so the victim needs to be more sympathetic because if she had a bad day, she would probably attempt to rape someone too, right? 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is how my family functions. It’s the whole “an eye for an eye” concept where it doesn’t come into play whether it’s a sly poke or a complete dislodging of an eyeball. Ignore the fact that the person who started it is lying and shows no remorse for his or her actions! Ignore that the person was attempting to do the deed because hey, it’s not like he went all the way, right? Ignore all the intentions and focus on the fact that you’re still alive. Woohoo. Because everything is fun and games until someone dies.

And i don’t want to be there to watch the end of that story.

All i want is for someone to recognize that the “rapist” has a problem and see that his intentions, no matter how unfruitful, were clear. I’ve come to accept that you’re never going to wonder if i’m okay.

People say that they see  me as a “strong” person, with the will to survive and make it out alive. But just because you think i’m strong and capable of taking matters into my own hands, it doesn’t mean that i don’t hurt too.

And i am hurt and bruised all over emotionally and maybe even a little physically. They say third time’s the charm but nothing seems very promising right now.

 

 

Business owners, you shouldn’t suck

Now, i’m not a professional event planner. I’m not even an online business owner.

But from a critical customer’s standpoint, do you know what i think is absolutely crucial to keep an event or company afloat? Especially one which specializes in public relations?

It’s the way you make the people who show up to your events feel that will outlast everything else.

Your food may have been crap, your event lame and lackluster, the venue smelling of fish and cigarettes and the stage propped up with canvas and tarp. But, trust me when i say that if you even made half the effort that you do to get the same incompetent vendors time and time again, to actually get to know your potentially loyal patrons or even make small talk, that’s 70% of your job for the day done.

Or, your food may have been gourmet take-out, the place reeking of expensive perfume and the event an all-white affair to match your vendors’ pearlie whites as they peddle their $9 milkshakes. But if your event-goers went there and left feeling even shittier than they did before walking in, what, really, is the point of your event that was created to “bring a niche community closer together”?

I’ve been to a few events this year and let me put it out there, i am not claiming to be the friendliest person out there, not even the closest, and i know i can be rude and hostile at the best of times. But i can assure you that none of those times are during the hosting of an event or the welcoming of guests to a gathering.

You don’t have to roll out the red carpet, you don’t need goodie bags filled with smartphones and vintage cameras and pastel rainbow-coloured stringers– but at the very fucking least, could you not spare a smile and some very small, small amicable conversation for someone who is shitfaced awkward as hell and standing in the corner?

At first i thought i was being salty af but then i asked around and it turns out i’m not the only one who feels that businesses nowadays need to step up their PR game. You don’t rely on the event to make a connection with the people who make it successful by being there, you don’t rely on the people to bring their own friends just to make themselves feel at home, you take it onto yourself to do it.

Cause i may or may not remember the horrible food poisoning i got while eating some bad cheese and it may slip my mind that there literally wasn’t any water for sale during the scorching event which already had an unworthy entrance fee, but literally the first thing that comes into my mind when someone asks me, “so, how was the event?” that really sways my answer is how i felt while i was there.

“Oh it was great! The food wasn’t all that, in fact, it was all kind of overpriced and it was also really hot but the people there were really nice though! It was just a nice atmosphere all around”

as compared to

“ummm it was…okay? Like it was so hot and everything was just not worth the money at all, it was badly executed and idk it just wasn’t a great event. Nothing special”

are the two types of answers i can give to someone which may or may not impact their decision to go to the next one. If you think about it, those are essentially the same answers with equally honest judgments but just phrased in a different context.

I know it’s still a baby industry but how the fuck else are you going to nurture growth if customers are dropping off one by one because it’s no longer worth their time?

Also, you know how shitty self-righteous wannabe world travellers always go, “go out, do things, meet new people?” Yeah that’s bullshit because what they don’t mention is that when you go out do things and meet new people, you should also bring a friend with you as backpadding to fall back on because without a friend, you’ll look hella stupid and no one will think of approaching you at all.

I went to an event last month where i was literally on my own the entire night and if it wasn’t for me striking up a conversation with people around me, i could’ve gone the entire night without opening my mouth. The host/organizer walked in front of me, walked around me, stood beside me talking to all the regulars that he/she was familiar with, the whole while side-eyeing me because i’m obviously new, without saying a single word. I spoke to someone and asked if she was new there and she went super friendly, “no but i can tell you are!”. She was friendly and talkative but at the same time, in my head i was just thinking, “if you could tell i was new and on my own, why the fuck did it never even cross your mind to make me feel welcome or say a single word to me?”.

I went to another one where i had had a substantial talk with the organizer a week or two before her event. I went to another event of hers and went, “******, hey!” and she looked at me and went, “hey!” without any form of continuation. So we just continued looking at each other and i eventually walked on. I would’ve continued it but it’s her fucking event, right?

I don’t know if it’s just my face or the way i look or whatever but regardless of all that, it shouldn’t have been an issue or a barrier standing in between you making a person feel welcome at your event which you open up to public. It makes me think that sometimes, business don’t really grasp the power their customers hold and neither do the customers themselves.

No one’s perfect and i guess just because you’re a business owner, it doesn’t mean that you necessarily come equipped with excellent conversational skills. So no, i suppose you don’t automatically have to be nice to everyone just because they come to your event. But in that case, why don’t you take a nice cut from all the profit that you make from your $11  diluted gluten-free vegan no-fruit smoothies which taste like what i imagine compost to taste like and hire a decent team to do it for you?

So local businesses, if you’re wondering why you suck, this is probably why. That and you  make people wait 45 minutes for a burger.

End.

Withdrawal symptoms + Books ARE drugs + “T.T.R.”? + Joe Hill is a mastermind

It’s been two days and i have yet to settle on a book to properly read, which for me is saying a lot about my current state of mind. Me, someone who considers reading two books in one go an act of infidelity, who feels uncomfortable at even picking up a new book while unfinished with another. Trust me, it’s saying something. I usually make the transition from one book to another seamlessly, in fact, i’m rarely without a book in my life. But how can i when i don’t even know what i’m feeling right now?? In layman’s terms, it would be like having someone in a monogamous relationship for the past 20 years suddenly forget how their spouse looks like for no apparent reason and then wandering the streets and then sleeping in a different random stranger’s bed every night with their eyes open. Just tragic.

So far i’ve “read”:

• A few pages off “Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married” by Marian Keyes
• A few pages off “The Goldfinch” by Donna Tartt
• A few short stories from Joe Hill’s 20th Century Ghosts including “Best New Horror: Buttonboy” and “Last Breath”
• A few short stories from “Stories” compiled by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio including “The Truth is a Cave in the Mountains” (Neil Gaiman), “Devil in The Staircase” (Joe Hill) and “Weights and Measures” (Jodi Picoult).
• The first four short stories by Aimee Bender in “Willful Creatures”
• The first page off “Lolita” by Nabokov

(And at one point, i’d also picked up “Young Bysshe” by Claire Tomalin which is a short biography on Percy Bysshe Shelley published under Pocket Penguins and i fell asleep with it by my bed but woke up feeling detached to it so i put it back on the shelf).

Personally, i’m not much of a short story person. Normally, i would feel like short stories are noncommittal. They bore me because i can never really get into it and i prefer something more promising and fulfilling in the long run (??). Usually what i do with these “short story books” is i bulldoze them all in one go, like i would with a novel. Like, i rarely pick these stories out one by one because i usually read them as a whole book and idk it just feels weird for me to pick up a book, read a few pages and then put it back. It almost feels like i’m molesting them or something equally inappropriate and disrespectful T.T WHY WHY DO I INSIST ON GIVING INANIMATE OBJECTS FEELINGS

But the past two days, my mind has just been everywhere, it’s like i’ve been feeling everything and nothing, reading everything and nothing, thinking of everything and yet deciding nothing. I’m just trying to figure out what it is that’s going through my head and at the same time, i’m trying to come to an understanding of what it is i want. It’s a lot of emotions to go through within the span of 48 hours but it is what it is. To some people, it may seem like i’m shutting down but really, my mind has just been working on overdrive.

Have you ever felt like…confident that you knew what you were doing and that you were the main deliberator of your decisions and then suddenly have someone come along and make it all seem worthless and ridiculous? Or have you ever felt like you were being strong and self-empowering and then after meeting someone, all of a sudden you’re left wondering why you even bothered? Why do you try so hard? Why do you make things so difficult for yourself? Why do you think so much? But then feeling something deep inside of you fighting for its life and trying to remind you of all the reasons of why you did what you did in the first place. Have you ever…?

Because of how unhinged i’ve been feeling as of late, i’ve been looking for books that really strike you to the core, words that make you feel something, anything, even if that thing turns out to be disturbing, horrifying and fascinatingly repulsive. And to that Joe Hill has been the answer to my prayers, even if it is only temporary reprieve in the form of a short story. I feel like i’ve raved so much about him already but my words can do his no justice! The opening short story of “20th century ghosts” is “Best new Horror” which is about an editor who specializes in horror fiction who receives a short story in the mail titled “Buttonboy: A love story” and it is the single most terrifying and disturbing thing i have read…probably ever. It’s like horror within horror. I remember reading it for the first time years back while eating dinner which was fried chicken and i was using this special chill sauce dip and i remember being so repelled by it and so disturbed that the fried chicken in my mouth started tasting weird. And every time i even so much as looked at that brand of chili sauce after that, i just had to look away in repulsion…even though it was probably my favourite chili sauce ever at the time. Point being: Joe Hill is a mastermind and b) don’t eat while watching or reading horror anything.

I’ll update this post later on with some snapchats (mine is SJZRL) of the grisliest bits that i found while reading it earlier today because my phone is charging at the moment…okay and also i don’t want to accidentally read some bits of it and not be able to sleep. I suppose the right thing to do would be to draft this post first instead of just updating it later on after already publishing it but i really, really want to get something out before i sleep tonight.

Updated (that Snapchat quality tho — click on them to enlarge):

Hope you weren’t eating anything!

*Cry cry tears more cry*

I’m so relieved and glad i finally finished this post because this is my seventh draft and i was just getting so restless trying to get something done instead of flitting from one idea to another. It’s 5 a.m. and i’m just going to watch some vlogs before hitting the sheets because i have to get up at 10 to get ready to have a late breakfast of french toast at 11! Not really sure what i’m going to do after but i’m considering sitting my bum in a cafe somewhere and forcing myself to start reading something and actually stick to it. Hopefully, i’ll have enough time and enough of my wits gathered by the time i have to leave the house to be able to pick the right book to shake me out of this reverie. Please please please, literary deities in book heaven, aid me in my quest for the right one!

I feel like i need to pick a neutral book to sort of ward off the bad vibes and balance out this “reader’s block” before i get started on the new ones i got from K.K. I just wouldn’t be doing any of them justice in my current frenzy! 😥

That’s all for tonight!

xx