Souls & Purses

Just your untypical youth, in so many words. Content unrestricted.

Escaping from my phone + “I need to be invisible just for today”

I just can’t seem to tear myself away from my phone. And i recognize that it’s a real problem because i want to be away from my phone, i want to not want to check my social media every half hour. I want to not want it.

Today for some reason**, it was especially harrowing for me and i sort of exploded and overreacted and completely blew up to something insensitive my boyfriend had said earlier which resulted in me switching off my phone and stashing it away. It’s been off for a few hours and just as i thought, it feels sort of liberating. I’ve always fantasized about doing it in the way that someone like me fantasizes about trekking through the amazon and hiking up a mountain; sort of the way someone imagines picking at a huge scab on their shin. Morbid yet completely mesmerizing. Like, “i’d never do something like that but it sounds kind of fun and i think there’s a wild possibility of me actually enjoying it if i was forced into doing so, like at gun point or something”.

** I say “for some reason” but the thing is, i have a specific way that i like to be woken up. And it’s very specific in the sense that it doesn’t leave a lot of room for mistakes yet it makes a big difference in the Sheyenne (that’s my name?) that you’re getting. If you’re going to wake me up, it’s best you a) don’t do it angrily, b) don’t open the door in a rough manner/shock me, c) don’t be curt about it and expect me to jump to attention cause there’s a higher chance of me snarling and clawing off your face or d) don’t take this lightly and wake me up in a joking manner cause that’s just as bad. In fact, most times a few average sounding knocks do the trick just fine. Either that or the approach which involves lots of loving pats on the head, a few rubs on the shoulder, some hugs and very angelic whispering of my name. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I’m kidding. Or at least my boyfriend wishes i was hahahaha but in all honesty, my boyfriend really does a great job of waking me! Or he just lets me sleep on and on which tbh is the best approach 150% of the time.

So yeah, the point of this post is that i woke up to some annoying texts from my boyfriend and some others and some of them wanted me to do things for them and idk it just put such a downer on my day first thing in the morning because i literally wanted to spend an entire day doing nothing and everything. You know, those typical days that you spend in your room doing nothing important yet at the same time making crucial random decisions like finally sorting out your old nail polish or redecorating a corner of your room. Stuff like that. I didn’t do any of the things that they wanted me to do at the end of the day but a part of me still felt this burden at the back of my mind telling me that i shouldn’t be having as much fun holing myself up like that because i had things to do and by not doing them i was letting people down. Idk. Shit like that. So when my boyfriend kept texting me boring annoying things about cars (because my dad is thinking of selling of my car and getting another one) and when anything has to do with my boyfriend and a family member (especially when it’s my dad), it stresses me out like anything. Plus it’s about cars. I hate talking about cars and mundane things like selling my stuff off or about work or about politics etc. etc.. And i know it’s so selfish of me but i’d honestly prefer to be brought in only at the end during the actual decision making and not during the whole process of discussing bumpers and history of accidents and gearboxes and radiators. I hate it.

Then my boyfriend made a shitty, insensitive joke that was the last straw for me. Like, to him it was just a douchey joke but for me, it hit home and i got furious and started yexting (yelling via texting?) and crying and he was shocked about it. He called me up and we yelled for a few seconds in which i told him to just stay away for the day. Like, don’t even text me, don’t even reply me just fucking don’t. This was just one instance where talking does nothing but exacerbate the situation. Just don’t. say. anything. I don’t even want to see you typing just don’t–

He eventually obliged after realizing i was dead serious. I switched off my phone, threw it in a drawer and that was that. You see, the problem was that i woke up today not wanting to talk much. I didn’t want to talk at all, in fact. Anything concerning matters more serious than the latest One Direction video or how long i want my eggs boiled and you’ve lost me. At least that’s how i feel today.

But everything’s all good with my boyfriend now. I messaged him on Facebook (hey i never said anything about social media on my laptop, right? My laptop is a whole different story!) a while after that and told him i was sorry for overreacting, i just needed time away from my phone. I need to not be so accessible. And he understood. Although i’m not too sure he grasped when i said “today’s just one of those days when i have to be a bad girlfriend and say, i don’t want to have to report where i am or answer what i’m doing 5 times a day, i don’t want to have to validate or think twice about why i chose to spend today in bed not doing anything, i just want to be invisible” because he just messaged me on facebook and went “what are you doing? i’m going to take a nap! Love you!”. Lol.

[But i have to say it just speaks volumes about our relationship, the fact that we have the right amount of trust between us that he doesn’t jump to conclusions or panics about what or who? i’m planning on doing because i tell him i need to be off the grid for a little while. He did ask me out front if i was really talking about a break from my phone or if i really meant a break from him but that was it, really.]

So yeah, apparently i’ve become the type of person who takes breaks from life. It’s been 3 hours and i don’t plan on switching on my phone for the next five hours or so. Or idk even maybe until tomorrow. It’s funny because i thought i had a surefire way of acing at handphone etiquette to avoid blowouts like these. I actually always have my phone silent 99% of the time. No vibrations, no nothing. Because that way, when i check my phone it means i want to be found, when i do check my texts it’s basically me going “okay am i mentally ready to deal with people looking for me? Yes? Okay go”. Maybe in a way that’s the reason why when i do actually check my phone, it swallows me up because there’s overwhelmingly so much to catch up on. Maybe i’m just as bad as the people constantly on their phones, it’s just a matter of perspective.

That’s all for now.

xx

CARLESS + I’m thirteen all over again!

My car broke down today. Four times to be exact. Eight including the times i tried to switch it back on and it wouldn’t, leaving me stranded in the middle of the road, twice in front of two different traffic lights, once at the zebra crossing on campus. I feel so lost without it. Tomorrow i have class and my dad will be giving me a ride to uni and picking me up after, it’s only been a few hours without my car and i already feel suffocated just thinking about all the awkward rides i’ll have to go through.

Already i’ve thought to myself, “hmm maybe i can stop by Giant tomorrow if the printer at uni doesn’t work” and then visibly drooped after realizing that i wouldn’t have the liberty of doing so because…i don’t have a car. I was also happily downloading a new song to add to my playlist for tomorrow’s drive to uni until it hit me that i wouldn’t be driving myself anyway T.T

And then I told my dad that my class begins at 10 a.m. but after discussing with some of the other students about a group presentation we’re having at 12 p.m. and deciding to have a last minute meeting beforehand to smooth over any potential bumps, i made the decision to skip tomorrow’s class… and the first thought that hit me was, “oh man, how do i tell my dad that i’m not going to class? Will he know if i tell him to drop me at the cafeteria? What if he asks me where my class is?!” and before i knew it, i was already formulating a lie about the cryptic location of my class and so and so. And then i caught myself. What the fuck am i doing?! I feel like i’m 13 all fucking over again!

It’s crazy how having the simplest liberty of driving your own self to class taken away renders one completely helpless and feeling all juvenile. I hate that i feel indebted to my dad now and that i have to play my cards right and be nice to him so that he gets my car fixed a.s.a.p. I hate how it’s currently 2 a.m. and i hate how he caught me in the kitchen looking for ice cream and how when he asked me what i was doing, i couldn’t snap at him or mumble something incoherent translating to “mind your own business please” because i need him to give me a ride tomorrow. I hate not having the power to come and go as i please, i hate the feeling of being under someone’s thumb! I hate it i hate it i hate it!

I’m sorry if this post is super angsty and super immature-sounding and it probably has tons of grammatical mistakes but i’m just so sleepy and i haven’t taken a nap all day and i also haven’t finished my notes for my presentation and yet all i can do is crave the ice cream in the freezer (after my dad asked me what i was doing he went to the toilet and i immediately made my escape). I’ve already decided that i’m going to drizzle half of it in coconut cream and have the other half sprinkled in Milo/chocolate powder! Yaaaaaaaaaaasssssss

Okay goodnight. Praying that tomorrow goes better than expected– and trust me, i have very low expectations for it. That’s all for now!

xx

I have a sleeping disorder? + It’s only May right?

I have so many thoughts going through my head– some of which are deep and profound, a lot of which are not– and yet all of it are fleeting and do not last long enough to sustain an entire blog post on. I can’t believe this space has been empty for over ten days! Most days i try to limit myself to three days tops but the days are whirring by and i can hardly believe my ears whenever i hear that we’re going into September soon. When i click on an article or i’m scrolling through a blog and i see “August”, for a split second before i process the “2015” part, i assume that i’ve clicked on an old article or the blog in question hasn’t been updated. You see, in my head, it’s still currently April or May. I have no idea why my psychological calendar stopped when it did but June onwards has just been a blur for me. Does this have to do with growing old? Does time gallop by without a trace and do the weeks and months cease to mean anything the more mature the body gets? Am i having too much fun? Or am i just being boring as fuck? Which is it?

It doesn’t help that my ghastly sleeping habits seem to have peaked in the past few days! My parents went across the border for the weekend so as usual i spent the night at D’s and the both of us couldn’t fall asleep so we decided to go for breakfast/supper at 5.30 in the morning. We got back at around 6.45 and promptly conked out the moment our heads hit the pillows. Except D got up at 12 to run some errands and told me to continue sleeping because duh, he’s well aware that there’s no such thing as a 6 hour sleep with me! It’s either all or nothing cause i’m a “12 hours or nothing” kind of sleeper. So i went back to sleep. He comes back and tells me he needs to go the office to get some things. I wake up for a few minutes then head back to sleep. He comes back with McDonald’s for lunch, we eat, we watch a movie and 15 minutes into the movie, i fall back to sleep until 6 pm. We go out for dinner and i run some errands before we head back to his place and as you can probably guess by now, i went back to sleep again. I must have woken up at least three times because i kept hearing the door open (no doubt my boyfriend coming in to place a mirror under my nose to see if i’m still breathing) and each time i fucking went back to sleep. I must have gone back to sleep about seven times during the entire day! This can’t be normal…or can it?

Just kidding my sleeping pattern is shot to shit–

I’m sorry if 97% of the time i’m talking about my sleeping pattern! It’s just that i find it so amusing! I have such an amazing/unwholesome relationship with sleep that i can’t help taking a morbid interest in it! Plus, it certainly can’t hurt to document it right?

Okay i had so many things to talk about initially but– yeap, you’ve guessed it– it’s currently 9 a.m. and i probably should get some more sleep? This is an unusually short post with no clear intention or purpose but i’m going to post it anyway because i’m sick of drafting all of these sad little posts which never get to see the light of day. Anyway it’s not like i’m a professional blogger anyway, i’m allowed to have my bad days!

Goodnight! xx

Transitioning back into “normal life” + Early days and good vibes + Semester begins!

Today was the first day of the semester for me and in all honesty, it was oddly satisfying to be back in the zone and just see everyone. The past year abroad doing my internship and student exchange has been almost dream-like, filled with experiences that was everything and nothing that i imagined it would be and yet about five times better than i could have asked for. And yet a part of me– especially when i was studying in Bandung– felt really out of place on campus and half the time it was like i was walking around like a headless chicken, no clue as to where i should be or what i was doing. I never really felt like i was there there. Eventually, I totally stopped giving a shit after a while and completely made it my main focus to have a ball of a time there, spending as little time as possible on my assignments and being in campus and as much time in clubs and bars and malls when the mood struck…which was every night.

So being back in Brunei and in my home university (which i can no longer deny that i have come to love and cherish and treasure with all my heart) is like a breath of fresh air after the smoky haze of Indonesia. It’s great being in a place where you know people and people know you and especially, and you should never take this forgranted, speaking the same freaking language as everyone else. Oh God. I’ve missed this. It feels amazing to know that i’m back on familiar ground where i actually have a chance of excelling and knowing whatever the fuck it is i’m supposed to do… and you know what? Even if i don’t, I actually have friends and people i know to text and ask without having to feel like an incompetent fool! And if they don’t come through, i know where to find lecturers (and their offices without getting lost in a maze of different faculties) who will answer my questions and understand where i’m coming from without thinking of me as a nuisance! I mean, not to say my lecturers in Bandung weren’t very nice, some of them were very accommodating (holler at Pak H!), however, i perceived an air of very mild jadedness about them whenever addressing us “foreign students”. I don’t blame them, to be honest, because i understand where they’re coming from. Every semester new gormless Bruneian students show up to their classes not having a freaking clue as to what to do or where to go, some of them not even bothering to learn the language at all before going there and they all ask the same questions and it’s just a cycle that carries on every six months.

TL;DR: I’m finally back on even ground where i don’t feel stupid cause dis be ma turf

Obviously, it’s much too early to predict how the rest of the year will be like but if it turns out to be as interesting and filled with good vibes as today was, then i am set til December, guys. The day before we were having lunch and listing out all the different people that we weren’t looking forward to seeing, conversation that was punctuated with frequent sighs and exclamations of “what?! Isn’t he/she done? I thought they were graduating! Eugh i just don’t want to have to deal with him/her again”. But after a morning of sitting in a crowded lecture theater filled with buzzing freshmen and feeling old (and kind of smug at the same time no denying it lol), by noon it felt great to be sitting in a classroom where people are calling out your name and showering you with hugs and asking you how your whole year went.

And because all the fourth year students have just gotten back from their respective discovery years abroad or away from campus (it’s part of our university programme to spend the fifth and sixth semesters doing internships or student exchanges abroad), most of us haven’t seen each other at all for a year which makes for a great reunion when you bump into people you forgot even existed. Everywhere you hear people asking each other, “How was Korea?” “It was great! And L.A., did you bump into any of the Kardashians??” “Vietnam though! Did you have fun??” “U.K. was great! It was snowing while i was there and i didn’t want to come back!” “I heard so-and-so did an internship in Phuket!”. And everyone looks so well and there’s a healthy glow all around, it makes for such a great buzz.

It was also interesting to see how some people changed! Like some people ended up a little bit… “curvier” (but then again a lot of eating can happen in one year, i mean hello– i do a lot eating in one night, so no fingers pointed here) and someone who used to be quite butchy started wearing a hijab that went all the way down to her knees and some other person d.i.y’ed their hair hooker blonde and decided it would be a great idea to match it with garish coral lipstick and a hideous blood orange top, so in other words, someone looked like an orangutan. But it was still all great fun! Obviously, i did end up rolling my eyes once or twice throughout the day upon laying eyes on some unfeasible person that i’d be happy to never come across again in my life but other than that, it was all laughs.

It’s currently 7.30am and i have a briefing on graduation to attend at 12 which means i have to get up at 10.30 to get ready. Creyes. Thank God i took that long nap last night! But yeah here’s to the beginning of a great academic year and new, lasting friendships! <3

That’s all for now!

xx

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