Souls & Purses

Just your untypical youth, in so many words. Content unrestricted.

My train of thought 99% of the time

Some days i feel like i’m doing too much. Some days i feel like i’m doing too little.

Then there are others when i feel like life is passing by too quickly and before i know it i’ll be 27 or 30 but then it’s never long again before i find myself solemnly pondering, wondering if a darker fug is awaiting me after i complete what’s left of this excursion that is my undergraduate education. So dark and muggy and miserably depressing that it’ll leave me clinging on drearily by my fingernails for dear life.

Other days it seems that my entire life revolves around dreading what my future holds for me which is really tiresome and makes me feel like running away. Sometimes i can’t help but notice that my daily routine with my boyfriend consists of reminding ourselves and talking about what we see in other people’s lives that we don’t want in ours. Always about taking other people’s mistakes and turning it into our lessons. I believe that this is my paranoid self’s fault and is a result of me pulling him down with me and has much to do with my mentality being “if you’re really here to stay for the ride, you might as well buckle up tight because it’s one hell of journey”.

I just feel so tired. So wearisome of the rest of my life that hasn’t even taken place yet.

There’s more for me out there, so many things to do, so many goals i haven’t achieved, so many chances at opportunities and lifestyles that were never in my reach and sadly will never will be, it’s like my whole teenage life has been about me wishing my youth away and yet the years have come and gone, they’re literally flying through my fingers as i helplessly grasp at sand blowing in the wind and it’s like, what the fuck, i’m now 23.

I will literally never be Kylie Jenner in any way possible.

It’s like i’m too old to do anything significant anymore. There. I said it. I don’t mean to be an obnoxious bitch by saying so but it’s just the way i feel. It oddly doesn’t apply to anyone else, it doesn’t apply to my boyfriend who’s nearing 30, it doesn’t apply to whoever. Just the one. Just me.

It’s like the opposite of “exceeding expectations”, whatever it is. My expectations. No one else’s, just mine. I’ve always been a huge advocate of the anti-complacency campaign. People often mistake for me being ungrateful and shit but they’re just peasants.


I am grateful in ways that only i can see and to me that’s all that matters.

Time is moving so fast and i understand that but it flummoxes me when i think about my progress and what i’ve been doing about it. My train of thought is literally always like, “oh man i’m 23 now i’m graduating next year, i should open a business or start investing or get a foothold on the real estate ladder, oh wait shit, i haven’t even saved shit yet. Okay. Cool i only have 6 months to get the money cause i want to hit the ground running i want to graduate with money already in my pocket. OKAY I CAN’T HANDLE THIS I THINK I SHOULD JUST CONTINUE ON WITH MY MASTERS SO I CAN DELAY ADULTING FOR NOW K COOL THAT’S A PLAN”.

And my boyfriend is just there wilting on the side like a limp weed, “um can we just get married a.s.a.p. and can you bear my babies already? I need you to tear open your vagina for my offspring and ruin your life”.

Like, fuck you. Fuck everyone. Fuck life.

It’s like i don’t have enough time in the world to plan for this.

Yet it’s also like i have too much time on my hands and i’m doing nothing with it.

And yet i just strangely feel really busy all the time.


That’s how i feel for tonight. Hopefully not tomorrow as well.


Just me against myself

Lately, i find that that i’ve been asking myself one question over and over again. “When was the last time i did something that i didn’t want to?”

Even writing that now makes my blood temperature go up a few degrees. That’s how much i abhor the idea. And yet, there’s also no hiding from the fact that some discipline is necessary, even in the smallest doses. Although i still cannot stomach that i’m actually endorsing that idea, let alone considering implementing it in my day to day routine.

When i ask myself the question, i don’t necessarily mean it in a “i need to go rock climbing a.s.a.p. eventhough i have terrible upper body strength and hate being outdoors” kind of way. What i mean is, when was the last time i actually followed the rules that i set for myself?

Like, when was the last time i disciplined myself in any way instead of immediately caving in and giving in to all my heartfelt desires without a second thought? When was the last time i denied myself something?

I know people say “the heart wants what it wants” (or was that just Selena Gomez idk) but at the same time, is listening to your heart all the time all that it’s cracked up to be?

When was the last time i told myself a firm, resounding “no” when one of my so-called “insatiable” cravings came up? That just because there were moments when i felt like i would die if i didn’t have a “matcha latte with milk foam and extra boba” in my hands within the next 24 hours, that i wouldn’t actually die if i didn’t have it? That just because i didn’t get enough sleep the night before doesn’t make it alright to miss class at 10 a.m. just because my sleep-deprived body feels like it’s physically attached to my bed? Because God forbid i actually have adult responsibilities that i have to fulfill and duties that i can’t just abandon at a moment’s notice.

I was thinking of it because i haven’t been doing very well this semester (despite my initial optimism). A lot of people and classmates who also just got back from the year abroad pin it down to being part of the transition of settling back in to normal life after experiencing a different lifestyle and i agree with that. Because every week i tell myself “next week is going to be the week that i attend all my classes and i’m going to be punctual while i’m at it” and yet the week goes by and still i keep on missing classes and still i keep on telling myself that next week is going to be better. Except when i got back from Jakarta two weeks ago deciding to go into crunch mode which meant catching up on lectures and assignments etc., i texted a classmate asking her what i’d miss in the past few weeks of classes– just f.y.i. i’d only gone into this particular module about three or four times throughout the semester… only to have her reply me and tell me that lectures had already ended for good two weeks ago. I mean, sure, it was only a light breadth module from an opposite faculty but i was still shocked nonetheless.

Same thing happened with another class that i’d missed last week, only to have the lecturer inform us via email that this week would be the last lecture before exams. WHAAAAT. Don’t even bring in the “E” word. I’m literally still trying to psyche myself into attending classes and you’re telling me that they’re already coming to an end?!

Another reason why i’m finally coming to terms that i need to set up some proper rules for myself to actually abide to is noticing how much time i waste in a day. Telling myself i’m going to hit the sheets early and then spending another six hours on my laptop, just streaming one episode after another (you know how it is with these binge marathons) and suddenly seeing the sun peek at me from between my curtains meaning that either a) I’m going to go to sleep at 6 a.m. and wake up at 4 p.m. or b) i’m going to force myself to wake up at 11 a.m. and spend the rest of the day pissed and unable to find the motivation to do anything and eventually giving in to a nice lengthy nap in bed which will also end up taking a good part of my day. But since i rarely even have the discipline to wake up early in the first place, it would most likely end up being the former option.

For example, earlier today i was supposed to hit the park with my best friend to do something that i’ve needed to do for the past two weeks but haven’t gotten around to (procrastination-ception, anyone?). My initial plan was to meet her at noon., maybe grab a late lunch and then go to the park. But in typical expectations versus reality fashion, what happened was i woke up at noon, i ate some breakfast, watched some cartoons, took a shower and realized that i was sleepy again by 3 so i took a nap and woke up at 4.30, dropped by my boyfriend’s office and then eventually reached her place at 7. SEVEN. That’s four hours later than i had planned. And i’m ashamed to say that this isn’t the first time.

I used to pride myself on being able to do whatever i want, being extravagant wherever possible, high on life and its pleasures. I usually sneer inwardly (unpopular opinion alert) at punctual people and smugly wonder to myself how many years of their life have gone to waste just waiting on other people. But right now i’m looking back on my life and it’s slowly coming to me that perhaps i’m no better. How much time gets wasted in a day; how much potential productivity has gone to waste just from me being a lazy, self-indulgent git? Most importantly, how much weight have i put on from never being able to or wanting to tell myself no and never ever making myself wait for anything?

And most simply put, when was the last time i forced myself to wake up early?

I don’t even know.

I’m not saying that i’m going to turn into a puritan or anything like that. I’m still going to take my kicks where i can get them but at the same time, i just need for there to be some barriers. I finally believe that too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. An unelightened Sheyenne would never have admitted that. So that’s a start.

With that out there, i’m going to head to sleep and try again for a better (more disciplined) day tomorrow. That’s all for tonight!


Our 4th Anniversary! + CAKES CAKES AND MORE CAKES +Girlfriend of the Year Award

I had such a lovely day today, it really has been one of the best ones in a while. I actually have a few posts drafted that i never got around to publish on some really, extra shitty days/weeks that i’ve been facing lately. There’s something about reliving a bad day that completely turns me off, like, just thinking about those days just make me prickle at the neck. But cutting to the chase, today was the fourth year anniversary for Dem and me!

Beyond the longest relationship i’ve ever had in this lifetime. And only at 23. Damn.

Now those of you who know me well will know that i’m sort of a grinch when it comes to special occasions (especially birthdays) considering i have yet to fully come to terms with appreciating the “beauty” of default celebrations like Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries etc.. I’m more of a “make my own luck” sort of person in the sense that i prefer occasions that actually have a cause for celebration, like say, if i were to launch my first novel or if a friend has just released a clothing line or if my boyfriend won an award or something. Unlike birthdays or whatever which demand to be celebrated by default from a lazy sense of entitlement or out of petty sentimental value, events such as these actually have a reason to be celebrated. ALTHOUGH that doesn’t mean that i don’t celebrate the default stuff, i mean, it may not mean much to me but for some people, it means a lot and i’m not like a total recluse. Lol. Also because i have a handful of family and friends who refuse to let the occasion go by without note (for which i am begrudgingly thankful for, if i’m to be completely honest).

BUT ANYWAY (why can’t i ever refer to ^ without launching into an entire tirade dammit), today was our anniversary and because i love my boyfriend and i didn’t want him to think that i completely disregarded this momentous milestone in our relationship, i decided at the very last minute to get him a cake from the new trendy bakery in town. Someone had liked some photos that the bakery had posted on their Facebook page and all i saw were these gorgeous mini cakes that had been launched very recently:

Taken off the Bake Culture Brunei Facebook Page

Taken off the Bake Culture Brunei Facebook page

Aren’t they absolutely gorgeous?!

I’m so thankful that we’ve finally moved away, away, away from the era of those tacky small sponge cakes that old bakeries used to sell, the ones with Mickey Mouse frosted on in glazed icing and rolled in chocolate sprinkles at the sides. So anyway, i bought the White Chocolate Crunchy cake to surprise Dem with and it was just absolutely adorable. I was actually torn between Red Velvet Gown and the one that i got but then again, Red Velvet has always flummoxed me because i can never actually tell what flavour it is. Some people say it’s just chocolate with excessive food colouring, some people say it’s cream cheese, personally, it tastes like nothing distinct to me.

To be honest, i didn’t plan on getting him a cake but since i felt bad about how his birthday present and his anniversary present are still um…in the process of being done, i bought him cake to stall for the meantime. Lol. I bought it for BND18 and it came with this adorable party pack with forks and mini plates and lots of candles. I didn’t use any of it though because i really wanted our anniversary dinner to be as simple and low-key as possible so there wasn’t going to be any dramatic blowing of candles or anything AND i purposely bought the tiniest cake available because i actually had this idea of us just digging in with our spoons and literally just sharing the cake between us instead of fussing with knifes and plates and dividing the cake with other people and whatnot. And that’s what we did. I loved it. The symbolism of it and everything else was just perfect as was the packaging that the cake came in.

We had dinner at this Thai cuisine place literally on the beach and i’d made reservations for us requesting for their “best” table which happened to be on their outdoor balcony, actually ten feet from the beach shore. It was lovely! Eventhough it did drizzle on us quite a bit bahahaha and at one point we were so disgustingly salty and sticky from the sea spray blowing in on us. But we had like 6 dishes on our table and we weren’t crazy about moving indoors mid-dinner so we stuck through.

Dem had actually almost made reservations for a much fancier restaurant but believe it or not, i told him that for this anniversary, i just wanted to keep it low-key. To be honest, 1) For the first time in my life i didn’t feel like getting dressed up since i knew i’d been meeting him straight from classes and i’d also been up late completing an essay and 2) We only just got back our two week trip from Jakarta last week so i was thinking that for tonight maybe we could have something fairly low-maintenance but still romantic since we usually go all out on our trips anyway. And the place didn’t disappoint! It was somewhat fancy but with a really laid back atmosphere so people were all in casual wear, there was candlelight and music and the sound of the waves crashing and most importantly, no mosquitoes so all in all, we had a great time.

We didn’t do anything really remarkable but being together and just working on our dynamic to make today a great day just felt amazing. God, i’m getting to be so fucking cheesy. Being 23 is different, y’ guys. But that’s a different post altogether.

That’s all for now!


Don’t interrupt my Harry Potter tears! + Breaking up with rice? (Spoiler: No way in hell)

My mid-semester break officially begins today! Well, mine started about three days ago on Thursday at 3 pm to be exact because i don’t have classes on weekends so things have been really chill so far. To be honest, the entire semester has been very relaxed (or is that just me?)! I’m planning on getting started on my assignments soon but unfortunately, most of them are group assignments or presentations which is always a bummer because i hate waiting on other people and i hate putting myself at risk and i always find myself in charge if someone hasn’t offered yet because if i don’t then who will? And more importantly, when?? Mostly likely, two days before the assignment or presentation is due and i ain’t fucking with yuuuuu. I mean, i am a procrastinator, that much is true but i know i can depend on myself to pull through and if i don’t, then i am the cause of my own undoing but in group work, it’s not like that is it?

Dem and I finally finished watching all 8 Harry Potter movies in a span of about a week and they were sick. Some of them i know i only watched once or twice at most because back then, DVDs were still un-mainstream so i always got the CDs instead (hey Brunei used to be a piracy hub, in case you didn’t know! Just kidding, but not really) and they were really shitty quality. And since the Harry Potter movies, especially the latter ones, were really dark in a lot of the scenes– i feel like they should have invested more in the lighting department? Just saying!– i really couldn’t see much at all! Now with downloading and everything, i finally got to watch everything in 2020 vision and it was…amazing :’) But i got into a small tiff with my boyfriend while we were watching Deathly Hallows part 2 and he got annoyed because i kept sobbing towards the end and asked me “why are you being so emotional??”. I SWEAR I ALMOST BROKE UP WITH HIM. I ALMOST DID. You do not just ask someone why they’re crying during a Harry Potter movie dammit! I just slowly turned to him and went through gritted teeth, “you just don’t understand do you?” and he actually went, “you don’t even care about me” and i was like, “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?! HARRY JUST JUMPED INTO THE PENSIEVE AND INTO SNAPE’S DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS AND YOU’RE DOING THIS NOW??” and he just sulked and went, “fine”. But it was all okay after that. Lol i’m not usually as aggressive. I don’t think so at least.

My stomach feels so nauseated at the moment. I could really use a shot of Antangin right now, i haven’t had it in weeks which is a record for me cause i usually have at least a pack or two in my handbag #holygrailstatus. I’ve been hearing a lot about people cutting out rice from their diet and i’m not gonna lie i have been considering jumping on the wagon as well but everytime i hop on, half my ass is still sticking out and i fall off and i get up and i run after the wagon and it’s kicking dirt in my face but i’m still running but it’s getting further and further and further…and i never find it again until the next blue moon. That’s just how it is. I mean, how does one just simply give up rice?! It may not be the tastiest carb, it may not be the most adventurous carb but it is still up there on my list. I need rice. It makes my meals feel more worth it, it prolongs the tastiness  of my meals and balances out all the flavours and just pulls everything together. Imagine if i only had two pieces of chicken for dinner, if i eat it like that it’s going to go in about five minutes flat and i’m going to be back in the kitchen looking for other things to eat in about 20. But if i eat it with rice, it would last me much longer and i’d be able to have a small piece of chicken with a spoonful of rice rather than just half my chicken drumstick in my mouth in one go. And with sauces, everything just synchronises with my tastebuds and everything just mingles better and amplifies itself. I could never forbid myself that. And not to mention, my favourite food? Yeah, sushi. My favourite food in the whole wide world wouldn’t exist without rice, JAPAN WOULDN’T EXIST WITHOUT RICE, PEOPLE. Those tiny, pure grains of heavenly mush. Sigh.

Speaking of which, i’m really craving pasta right now. Pasta is my go-to carb though. Lol. I won’t even start on my ode to pasta, y’guys. It’s currently almost 7 a.m. and i’m hoping A will reply my text soon about having lunch together cause i know what i’m going to be having. No, not rice, pasta. Tomato-ey, tangy, sauce-y pasta.

K. That’s all for now. xx


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