So this is actually part two of my previous post because i thought it would be too lengthy if i left it as one. As i mentioned earlier, i stayed over at my boyfriend’s place for a few days in order to come to my senses and mull certain things over. I also took the time to take some steps i feel is semi-necessary for my wellbeing. And is also necessary for people to know i mean what i say and to take me seriously when i’m being sincere.
During the few days i stayed over, I only left the house to buy food and even then everything just felt like an out of body experience. It was like i could see myself vacantly driving with one hand on the steering wheel, cigarette in the other, black sunglasses hiding my puffy eyes, occasionally sniffling with sporadic hiccups on the side. I just felt dead and wretched inside and it reflected on the outside.
I could feel everyone’s eyes on me whenever i went to the store to take away food from the “nasi campur” place and honestly, i don’t blame them for sizing me up that way. I kind of looked like shit in my boyfriend’s hideous oversized shorts that went all the way down to my knees and bunched up at the waist from the elastic, no makeup with acne scars on display for all the world to see, looking all menacing with my septum piercing and nose ring (it’s all fun and games when you’re fully made up and have that glam-edgy look going on; it’s a whole different story when you look like shit, sort of like Evan Peters’ child molester mom from AHS: Coven #mihir).
After those few days, i eventually started feeling better about seeking out advice and support from my like-minded friends who i knew would have my back. You know how songs are always talking about friends disappearing in times of need? I feel like i sort of got a glimpse into that this week. When i’m up and running, it seems like i can barely find time for myself what with all the friends i have to meet and catch up with because we always have so much to talk about. But all of a sudden, i found myself ruling out some friends because at the back of my mind it’s like “no, i can’t deal with her right now, she talks too fucking much, it’s unlikely i’m going to get a word in edgewise” or “nah, that person has the attention span of a goldfish, it’d be like confiding to a wall”. And that just made me think… why do i keep myself in their company when i can’t even rely on them to be there for me when i need them the most?
And then there are the others who are all, “Omg let’s meet up! I’ve got juice!” and then i tell them that i myself have got some bad shit going on in order to let them know in advance like “hey, i can’t be the only one to listen to your bullshit stories tonight so you’d better prepare your ears and bring your fully undivided attention” and then they reply with something like, “oh no. Poor you. Anyway, are you coming?!”. And you know they don’t give a shit about what’s going on in your life. So that’s definitely something that i’ve come to realize over the past week.
But then there were the others who sensed my urgency and came through for me on the spot and i just couldn’t feel more grateful for them. My boyfriend is amazing and everything but it’s different when you’re unloading to one of the good guys who wants to dedicate his life to supporting you yet really wants to keep in good graces with his future-in-laws aaand unloading to your friends who are technically “the family you get to choose” which right now, seems a hell lot more promising than the family i was actually born into.
The ones who really stood by me and listened, reacted appropriately and promptly and wholeheartedly supported my actions were just heaven sent and i will be eternally grateful.