I usually try to begin my year with a certain level of optimism and while i’ve exhausted my patience and any hope i have ever had of keeping up with resolutions, at the very least, i tend to have a murky idea of the things i want to achieve over the next 300 days or so. But this time…idk. It’s different. Perhaps it’s because after coming back from my last trip my post-vacation blues has taken itself to a whole different level. Whatever it is, everywhere i turn it feels like i’m faced with a crossroads in which i haven’t the shittiest idea in the slightest as which direction i should head.
During this trip my boyfriend has been pressuring me to get engaged and while i don’t know if “pressuring” is the right choice of word, i do know that it’s not something i’ve prepared myself to expect for this year. The past few years friends and family have been asking when we’re going to get engaged or married or whatever and up til now, i’ve always managed to confidently breeze through the whole ordeal with the answer that we’re waiting for me to graduate. But for some crazy reason, without me realizing, my final year has come and is literally halfway gone and i don’t know how the hell i ended up with less than six months left to my undergraduate life.
It’s not that i don’t want to marry D, it’s just… is it so damn insane for me to not want to take the path most trodden?! Is it so crazy that i don’t want to be everyone’s cliche and graduate and get engaged then get a job then get married then have kids? IS IT SO OUT OF THIS WORLD THAT PERHAPS I WANT TO DO THINGS MY WAY?!
Plus, I would hate to launch such a drastic aspect of my life based on the expectations of other people. Now they’re pressuring me to get engaged, next they’re asking me to get married, then comes the idea that we need to have kids, then after i have a kid, next they’re going to ask me when i’m going to have my next son/daughter to make a pair then what? What next? When does it fucking stop?
So many people i know have gone and gotten married and while i’m already 23 and we’re obviously more than eligible to do what we want, i can’t help but think that every time one of them gets married, it’s like a light has extinguished that automatically eliminates them from so imaginary race. Like a part of me immediately thinks “oh whoops guess she’s out of the running, whatever you do doesn’t matter anymore because you’re someone’s wife now and you’re supposed to have your shit together”. LIKE SOME PART OF ME BELIEVES THAT GETTING MARRIED EQUALS FOREGOING EVERY SINGLE THING YOU’VE DREAMT OF BECAUSE A SPOUSE AND KIDS DOUBLES THE DIFFICULTY OF EVERYTHING. I DON’T WANT TO BE OUT OF THE RUNNING. I WANT TO STILL BE AN ELIGIBLE PARTICIPANT FOR THE RACE DAMMIT.
I’m not saying i never want to get married. I do. And i want to do it with D. That’s for sure. Dem, if you ever read this, please don’t get tired of waiting and eventually leave me. I’m not taking you forgranted. I love you and you are my future, that much is clear to me.
BUT I FUCKING REFUSE TO BE ANYONE’S CLICHE