Souls & Purses

Just your untypical youth, in so many words. Content unrestricted.

What have i been thinking?? + Dreaming of charming old men + Breaking Bank

I haven’t been updating for the past few days and i feel terrible about it! I’ve been nursing my eye infection which is turning to be a real pain in the head which means that i have to (well i really should but i tend to play it by eye lol) refrain from using anything close to the eye area like mascara, eye shadow, eye liner which is totally out of the question or even undereye concealer which is crap because my eyes have been so inflamed lately what with all the rubbing and “mucus fishing“.

But uh and this is going to make my eye infection excuse invalid but i’ve also been going out a lot and catching up with friends who are finally home. Now that i’m “officially” back, my social life has single-handedly resuscitated itself and i suppose i no longer have a excuse reason to keep staying in bed all day (other than my eye infection of course lol).

Anyway, i had this really, really weird/exciting(?) dream last night where i dreamt about at least twenty people that i’ve met somehow somewhere through random connections in life. It’s llike those cheesy movies except instead of Bon Jovi in the “New Year’s Eve” movie or Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner in “Valentine’s Day”, it was really random people like the on-set pianist from the talk show that i was working at or an old classmate who i haven’t seen since primary school with her new hideous boyfriend whom i recently stalked on instagram or even one of my boyfriend’s clients who i met during a brief run to his office. And they were all playing random parts such as cooking an entire tray of Szechuan chicken for the class (yes, at one point i was in a grey enclosed classroom with some of the random people and they were serving food), or appearing on phone Skype because i accidentally butt dialed them with my ass or through a partially-menacing prank call which i mistakenly picked up because it was on my phone but it turned out to be for someone else (that i also knew?).

Also, there was this really gorgeous girl that i had a crush on while i was in Jakarta and she was in my dream too! Obviously she was the best part of it all because i was giving her advice after she came to me complaining about how tired she was with her life and how exhausted she’s been lately. So i was just all like, “aww come here, here’s a shoulder to lean on” *hugs, smirks, creepily sniffs hair with flaring nostrils*

I remember towards the end after leaving “class” i was with my family at a mall after which we got separated because i wanted to meet some friends on the ground floor (which happened to be a gorgeous mall in Jakarta, a mixture of Pacific Place and Gandaria City perhaps? With a dash of Changi Airport. It was magical). I found my friends (very random ones i think) at a Best Eastern-ish bookstore (the main yet really crappy/cramped and overpriced chain bookstore that we have here in Brunei) and i remember us standing at the cashier and me writing down the list of books i wanted her to search through the database (which i’m proud to say consisted of some of the actual books from my real life to-read list!) and suddenly there was this random old man carrying this book for the cashier to ring through the register. “A Hundred Foot Journey?” i heard her say and i whipped my head to face the charmingly old guy. “A Hundred Foot Journey? That’s on my list too” i said with a cheesy grin and like we ended up being sort of smitten with each other and he invited me to his niece’s/granddaughter’s book recital, complete with an orchestra or something. I don’t even know, y’guys.

I’m going to say the old man (who was an actor in some movie that i’ve literally spent hours trying to recall) was a cross between this guy and Walter White hahaha

So umm yeah, that’s bascially all i’ve been up to, dealing with pink eye and dreaming of charming old men. Oh and there was this shoe sale and i bought the most amazing nude oxfords (i wanted to say “dress shoes” since they don’t have laces on them but it sounds so hideous i won’t even bother) with a partial acrylic heel. I mean, i know i just got back from one of the cheapest shopping centrals in the world and i don’t think i expected to be going back to spending so soon given my current situation (i.e. mooching off the two men in my life, my dad and my boyfriend, but about 99.8% the latter since my boyfriend told me that when i was gone my dad told him i was “his problem now”. L O L my ever-affectionate family, ladies and gents) but i was on sale, i “forgot” to get any shoes while i was in Indonesia and it was nude. How could i have been any stronger, you guys?

Dear Maisie, when will the day come that i learn how to save successfully and eventually become the millionaire that i always knew that i’d be (through marriage or hardwork, idk it doesn’t matter to me?)

So i’m obviously talking rubbish out of guilt from not being consistent (lol how did i even get to blogging about my new shoes?) so i’m done for tonight. I have a few sassy drafts in my draft box so i’m going to edit them asap (eventhough my sassy posts tend to get less views than any of the others hahaha but you know “you do you”). That’s all! xx

An open letter to my seventeen year old brother

It’s 4.40 in the morning and you just left my room. You confessed to some dumb business that you’ve been taking part in and I gave you a right verbal bollocking. I’m so disappointed in you and I’m also so furious. At the same time, I’m frustrated because my throat is dry and my voice is raspy but I know all too well that when it comes to breaking through to a stupid, mindless teenager like yourself, there’s really no telling how far I am from the surface. I hope there’s a part of you that’s still uncemented against the world, that somewhere on that bushy head of yours, there’s a soft spot that goes all the way to your core and is still receptive to the well-intentioned naggings of your sister.

A part of you is telling me out of fear for yourself and yet what is that, do I detect a hint of pride in your voice? I’m disgusted by it but mostly because you remind me all too well of the days when I would animatedly recap my misdemeanors to the innocent, receptive eyes of my peers who would only catch up a few years later (but by then tales of their own wayward ways fell on my deaf ears because I was just so over it and I hope you’ll have the same chance of feeling the same boredom because that will mean you’ve emerged victorious over those graffitied days of self-decay).

If you think you’re being sly, I want to remind you that we came from the same manipulative loins of our father. We come from a family where we’re the pioneers in thinking ahead and plan B’s and C’s and D’s are never lacking… but even if you do succeed in outwitting your family, there’s only so much you can do and so far you can go without causing self-damage. At the end of the day, no amount of out-maneuvers can talk you out of doing all the stupid things you need to do before you set yourself straight (or at least I hope you get to that stage).

The first thing I thought of when you told me you had  something to tell me was that you’d knocked up some stupid girl or that you’ve been dabbling in drugs. But with a sigh of (my own) relief you assured me it wasn’t so, nothing so tragic, in fact, it turned out to be some sort of lame nerdy geeky shady business that you’ve been partaking in.

Yet it didn’t stop me from running my mouth about how all this is a downward spiral to a darker future because that’s what I do when I feel helpless, I talk and I talk like my words have the ability to fill the rapidly emptying hole that I see in you. I don’t know how to get to you and I don’t know if I should. There’s a disgusted, annoyed part of me that wants to kick you out of my room because I don’t want to know, it’s too soon, those years and your stories reek of the same familiarity of five years ago and I don’t want to see it. Not yet, just let me bask in the peace that is my current life because I barely made it out alive from my old one. But I’m afraid that if I let you go (as I’m prone to doing with people), I’m afraid that when I eventually come to my senses and rush in to save you, I’ll no longer recognize the little boy with puffy cheeks and the big butt that even now as we speak, has already evaporated into mostly thin air.

Do I put you on a tighter leash or do I let you go off on your own? I’m struggling to remember how I got through it and yet something reminds me of how little the impact that words can have on someone whose current and future prospects look so weak. But what do I do? How can I make you see? How can I make you learn?

How do I look you in the eye and tell you “throw away your money and your dodgy business prospects, throw away all your money-making talents, dispense of your ability to squeeze out money everywhere you look” because these hard, tough, broken years of the beginning of the rest of your life, need to be hard and difficult to make sure you emerge strong and capable? How can I make you see that easy money at your age may seem like gold at the end of the rainbow and seem like every other poor 17 year old’s dream but all it does is make you immune to the pay of an honest day’s work? That you’re setting yourself up for disappointment when you emerge in the real world and see what the good guys earn. And if that happens, it’s straight back down to where it all started because like you say “easy money”.

Yes, life is made up of trials and errors but can I trust my little brother to get up after a fall? What if he continues stumbling for the rest of his life? I just can’t.

“Traktir dong!”/ “Blanja eh!” + The age old concept we should move on from + Horrific encounter with old “friends”

Lol okay I feel like my next two months of blog posts will still more or less contain references to the first half of my year in Indonesia so keep calm while I get it out of my system.

So I know I always gush about it and how amazing it is to be there but tonight, I do have something bad to say about an occurrence that happened during my last week while I was in Jakarta. I don’t have a lot of negative things to say about the country because I always enjoy my time there so much but what I do not enjoy is the culture of “traktiran”. “Traktiran” is the concept of “treating” or “belanja” (as Bruneians say it) which I admit is also common in Brunei but mostly as a joke/bad habit among the ghetto classes.  A ghetto example would be: Someone innocently posts a picture of their meal on instagram someone else will go “eh belanja eh! (oi, treat me!)”. Needless to say my circle of friends steer way clear away from people of this ilk.

I hate how it puts people in awkward situations and I’m appalled by how self-degrading it is as well. Not only are you making yourself look poor, you’re also making me look poor if I tell you I’m not in the position to pay for someone else other than myself.

Anyway, everyone knows that while on vacation, the worst time to ask someone to take out extra money is at the end when they’re about to go back because by then they’ve probably burnt off most of their budget and have barely enough for the trip home. So considering that I was there for six months since January and the government paid us the last of our allowances in March and also heavily considering my terrible spendthrift tendencies, it’s safe to conclude that I was hanging on to the skin of my teeth by the time the last month rolled around and if it weren’t for my boyfriend coming to save me, I’m afraid I would have had to resort to humiliating measures (i.e. asking my parents for a transfer).

Materialism at its best

So during the last two weeks, I texted to an old colleague of mine (let’s call him A) from my internship asking if he wanted to catch up over lunch or dinner and maybe a karaoke session. We excitedly discussed our plans and decided to meet at a certain day the following week. He asked me if I wanted to invite any of our other colleagues and I told him okay but only a selected few. All of a sudden, I get texts from the others in the group chat that A had formed asking if I’m going to be paying for the karaoke session. This obviously puts me in an awkward situation because I know I’m dry as fuck and any money that is coming out is going to be my boyfriend’s. I discuss it with my boyfriend and he told me that he’d pay for the hour of karaoke.

I tell that to the group and shockingly, one of my former colleagues (let’s call him B) tells me that that isn’t enough and tries to wheedle me into paying for another hour. “Make it two hours!” like it’s some kind of fucking business deal. Keep in mind that I was only an intern to them and that these colleagues actually have full-time jobs! I explain my situation to them as a last resort to which B replies, “Aww we’re so excited! But we’re just so broke. We didn’t get bonuses this year! And our salaries haven’t gone up! So just pay for us yeah?”. I’m NOT even fucking kidding. I wish I was! I was just so disgusted and I felt so used. He didn’t mention anything about wanting to see me or anything, just that he wanted me to pay for two hours. At this point, I was just ready to cancel everything.

To make things worst another colleague “jokingly” chimed in, “Dinner + 2 hours of karaoke yeah?”. Umm excuse me, no one told me this was a set package deal? How shitty it is that just to attend a “simple” meet-up I would have to prepare such a large amount of money to accommodate my group of “acquaintances”. It was no longer a point of me having to ask my boyfriend for money but more of a negotiation of principle here. It’s not okay to use people like that and I didn’t want to condone it. My colleague A was picking up on my vibes and assured me in a private text that they would indeed be pitching in with their own money but I knew B personally and I knew that he wasn’t kidding.

The next day I was on Path (an important social media platform that’s widely used throughout Indonesia) and I saw a comment which freezed my blood and made me absolutely furious. One of the colleagues that I was supposed to meet up with had posted a meme about money (nothing related to me) and colleague B had commented something along the lines of, “Hey we could totally use that money to actually pay for the other hour of karaoke instead of just one hour amiriiight? Lollllll”. I don’t remember his exact words because it was in Indonesian and I don’t think I’m doing it justice with my choppy translation but I remember showing it to my boyfriend and asking him if colleague B was taking a diss at me. He was appalled and told me that it certainly was and that I really should reconsider treating such a bastard. I mean, if I had been tagged in it then in a way it wouldn’t have been so bad. But because it was buried in the comment section of something that B thought I  wouldn’t understand simply because it was in Indonesian just made it worst because it was a backhanded insult to me.

It’s weird because I knew they joked about these things and asked other people to “traktir” a lot but I had no idea that they’d be so intent and pushy with it even after I explained my situation. It’s even funnier because these were fully grown adults with salaries asking me, a student, to pay for them when I’ve never encountered a such thing with any of my local classmates or other student friends while I was studying in Bandung.

So I stewed and I stewed over the next couple of days and I eventually told the group that I wouldn’t be free to attend the meet-up after all because of an important family dinner with my boyfriend’s father. And then instead I spent the entire day happily spending time in my favourite mall Grand Indonesia with my boyfriend and enjoying a beautiful lunch and exquisite hi-tea without having to worry about my money running out on paying for someone else who was just going to use me. The end.

xx

Life is tough when you’re the life of the party *shrugs* + Mucus Fishing???

So finally most of my friends are back from having undergone their own student exchanges abroad which means ta-dah! I no longer have to be a hermit and pretend that I’m still living the life elsewhere when in reality I’ve been back here for a few weeks now. No one knows the indignity of having to be back in your dingy little home town before everyone else is and having to admit to people that “yes I’ve had a fabulous life and a terrific time while I was there but I wholly accept that I’m back in Snoozeville and now 99.9% of my social outings will revolve around mainstream restaurants and I now have to resort to taking three naps a day to get through my life”.

I’m obviously not like the rest of the homebodies that make up 77.9999% of this country so you certainly won’t find me with my eyes swollen because I’ve been crying in bed about how much I miss home and my family and omg “aku rindu masakan babu” (“I miss my mommy’s cooking”) or “omg I miss babu’s ayam masak merah” “I really, really miss my mommy’s special chicken”)  or some shit like that. We were literally only gone for half a year, y’guys. I don’t think I skyped with anyone at all in the six months that I was gone– okay perhaps two or three times but I swear that was all my boyfriend’s doing and even then I’d delayed that for as long as I could without being eligible for the “worst girlfriend of the year” award. But as soon as it hit the fourth month mark of me being there I kicked in overdrive and firmly insisted on ceasing all Skype activities because “you’re going to see me in less than two months, please don’t be ridiculous and just let me do my thing” to which my darling understanding boyfriend reluctantly agreed to. And that ladies and gentlemen, is the man that I’m going to marry. Someone who understands and accepts the plight of being the partner of the life of the party.

But if I thought being back was bad, well let’s just say things have considerably gone downhill since Ramadhan started (the month of fasting in Brunei) and I have just been wilting into a sweaty mess at home. My activities for the past week and a half consist of little other than laying in bed, sleeping for the first 16 hours of the day and being stuck on my laptop for the remaining, reading (I’ve already gone through four books and I’ve only been back for three weeks so I’m feeling pretty smug because it seems that I’ve prepared well in advance since an entire backpack was dedicated to all the books I’d bought there eventhough everybody made a fuss and told me they’d weigh a ton at the airport).

I’ve also been nursing an eye infection lately and i’ve had the most disgusting symptoms (please google “mucus fishing“. And please note i said google, not youtube, unless you’re in the mood for a good session of vomiting your guts out). I don’t feel like going to the doctor since it’s quite sporadic anyway and plus i had the same thing in January right before i flew off so i’m just going to do what i do best and wait it out.

Also, a lot of my reading has to do with me working on my writing because somehow, deep down, i feel like i was meant to write a book. Not being dramatic or anything. And loike not to brag or anythiiiing *pops chewing gum and twirls hair* i totally wrote a 180 page “book” when i was fifteen based on my first relationship and a guy whom i had a massive, massive crush on. Although…i encrypted the document too well and then my computer PC broke down…and i completely lost the entire thing. But you know, it’s fine, talent won’t go anywhere, i can always just spurn out another book whenever i want to. It’s just currently taking some time to develop and work on itself…

*pukes*

Okay i promised myself i would go to sleep on time today and get my body clock back on track eventhough it’s currently already 3.45pm. I really, really need to do this! I was awake a total of FIVE hours the entire yesterday, guys. FIVE hours in which i ate two meals, texted my boyfriend that i was still alive and breathing, showed my face to my family to make sure they wouldn’t panic and kick my bedroom door down and then promptly went back to bed. That’s all!

xx

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