Souls & Purses

Just your untypical youth, in so many words. Content unrestricted.

The Truth and how i feel about it

It’s a bit like when you drop someone off at the grocery store to get overnight supplies for you and you remind them to get you a toothbrush.

“What kind?” they ask.

“Any kind”

“What colour?”

“Any colour, now for christ’s sake, can you get a move on already?”

But then they come back with a fluorescent orange one or a green one and you can’t help but feel a twinge of muffled disappointment because only then do you realize that you could have really appreciated the motivational qualities of a snazzy red one or an energetic blue, especially when it’s 2 in the morning and the prospect of brushing your teeth isn’t exactly calling out your name.

It’s not something that actively crosses your mind so you don’t really let it bother you but when it does hit you between the legs, you can’t help but think “i wasn’t expecting much but at the same time i certainly wasn’t expecting a kick in the nuts”.

So that basically sums up the fog i’ve been going around in for the past few days. It’s a sad mixture of denial and determination and a lot of “i should have seen it coming” and “that explains everything” and quite a bit of “i guess i knew all along”. And i suppose there’s also the “i’m glad nothing happened because then i can go on living my life in a happy relationship and learn to be a grateful muthfcka that i know i can be if i just tried harder”. But more on the “why don’t you love me still, asshole” part though.

Not having the upperhand sucks, big fucking time.

B i t t e r

You know what’s the saddest thing?

Meeting someone you once had the strongest feelings for and prepping yourself up for zero expectations for this person who at one point of your life took up every spare moment of your thoughts and for a long time occupied every single fiber of your being, someone who you were ready to die just to keep them in your life even if it meant watching them falling in love over and fucking over again with everyone in the fucking world but you… meeting up with them years later “as friends” and reminding yourself that you no longer harbor anything for them and realizing that… even after all this time despite how “minute”, almost non-existent you think your feelings are for them, it’s still not as little nor ever will be as little as how they regard you.

Because the truth of the matter is, after all these years, you still don’t love me. And you never will.

I will never mean more to you than you do to me. Not even close.

 

 

 

 

Premature quarter life crisis + I’m still hip and cool, aren’t i?

Tonight i felt the inexplicable need to be anywhere but home. At half past nine Dem woke me up mid-nap and told me i needed to scram because he was late for work. I’d totally forgotten that he needed to head back to the office so i’d slept through the entire night instead of staying up and spending “quality time” with him.

For someone who strongly embodies the whole “all or nothing” concept in most areas of my life, there’s something so despairing about going back home so early in the night when you’ve got at least another half day in you. I just hate letting all that energy go to waste. I could never be one of those people who leave when the party is just heating up. What’s that saying? “Leave while you’re still having fun”. I mean what the hell is that about? Who wants to leave when everything is still in full swing? Boring wankers, that’s who.

Obviously, i’d hate to be one of those people who overstay their welcome but you know how i know it’s time to leave? When people start to clean up. Now that’s pathetic. It’s not even when the host starts to clean up, it’s when these small group of long-suffering guests suddenly take it upon themselves to start politely inquiring about garbage bags while rushing about daintily like little elves and throwing occasional disgusted/smug looks at everyone else present just so you feel obliged to join in the cleaning campaign as well. Talk about ruining the buzz. These people are the equivalent of the switching on of lights during closing time at the club.

eyeroll2

Okay i’ve gone off on a tangent. So yeah basically all i did was spend two hours “cruising”. But mostly just sitting in the car and asking everyone within a 10 km radius if they wanted to hang out. And idk if it’s a sign that i’m freaking aging but the fact that four out of five people told me that they were getting ready for bed or catching up on work made me feel freaking fifty.

Anyway, I swear i don’t usually do that. It was just tonight. I initially had the idea that i was going to be an adult and head to Gloria Jeans on my own and sit outside with a book (Gillian Flynn’s Dark Places, gripping read so far), have a cigarette or two while furtively sipping on my sweet peppermint tea (although i will never understand why the fuck cafes charge you five dollars for throwing a fucking tea sachet into fucking hot water) while taking quick sweeping glances over the rim of my cup to see if i recognized anyone or if anyone looked like they were judging me for being alone. But then i drove past and lost my nerve. So i drove back home.

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And then i decided i still had some steam left in me so i overshot past my place twice and drove for twenty more minutes than i needed to in both directions before realizing that i couldn’t put off going home any longer and that i was actually getting bored with driving around aimlessly.

Naturally, everyone started replying me the moment i got home. Sigh. It wasn’t meant to be.

I was just fucking meant to be alone tonight.

hand-holding-pen-calligraphy-wirting-the-end-animated-gif

xx

 

 

 

 

Favourite Period Talk: Apple Strudel cookies +Neuroticism

I’m on my period. I know. If you were to painstakingly go through my entire archive, you’d find five period posts at least. But i can’t help it, it’s one of my favorite topics to kvetch about. Odd considering my irrational intolerance of blood which usually leads to the unattractive sight of me flopping around on the spot because the sight of someone getting bloodied just makes me suddenly so aware of it flowing through my veins and well, flopping while making gagging noises makes me less aware of it, i guess. Sometimes even staying still and being aware of my pulse beating and stirring my blood makes me want to foam at the mouth.

But my period is especially weird this month because it’s really not even supposed to be that “time of the month” yet! I’m at least ten days early. Which meant that all through Tuesday i was laying around in bed like an invalid because i was kept up all the night before from these nasty cramps which made me want to vomit from feeling so nauseated. Honestly, i thought it was this bug that i’d caught from one of my family members and i was all “fuck” because my little brother actually puked ten times in a day when he had his stomach flu. And then it made its rounds to everyone and i thought it was my turn.

But it wasn’t.

It was just my period.

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Me and the entire world population of females when getting their periods

And maybe also that yummy but messily prepared Diablo pasta from Capers that i’d had a few nights before in the all-you-can-eat, peppered all around with these tiny green chilli padis that tasted great but, you know, too much of a good thing and whatnot.

I was just really shocked when i got my period tbh. But after that it just made sense when i really thought about it. Like you know you have a terrible attitude towards food when you can’t tell if you’re really PMS-ing or just bullshitting yourself. Because i was insanely craving these apple strudel cookies that my brother bought the other day and i was going around the bend, like, literally, just going round and round and round the entire biscuit aisle at the grocery store forever because i couldn’t find them. And then i got into a level 2 (like on a scale of one to three) fight with my boyfriend because i was pissed that he wasn’t “being supportive” about my search for something that i wanted so badly and knew was there but couldn’t focus on because he was nagging me so damn much. I cried and told him i hated him and that he was turning into my dad who never wanted to wait for my mother when she went shopping for her stuff. Just being my ushe neurotic self. But we were cool half an hour later.  I found the cookies just now after a week of looking. On my own. And i made sure to take a picture to send to my boyfriend to tell him that HAH see i told you i could’ve found it if you hadn’t been nagging me so much! (Which is actually a lie tbh because i found them in the dry packet section in the aisle next to the biscuit section but that’s beside my point so i didn’t bother mentioning that bit lolz).

Also the next day i kind of went..crazy. Ish. Crazyish.

Emma

But that’s a different story to tell. Plus it really did turn out to be a genuinely bad day towards the end. But in actuality, even i’ll admit it started out with me just being plain all-round hormonal and imagining things and blowing things out of proportion in my head. Yeah, so basically nothing out of the ordinary.

So i was saying i was just really surprised when my period came while i was at D’s place because: 1) It wasn’t time, 2) I didn’t have a pad on me and 3) The flow. They say the first and second day is the worst but wow, i had to change panties at least three times over the course of the next 30 hours.

wide-set-vagina

You have no idea how actually terrified i was when googling this gif and waiting for the results with half-shut eyes

But anyway i found out that the solution is to wear really tight underwear so it doesn’t leak. No cute boy shorts boxers in this “current” condition. Lol. Just plain tight panties (preferably black) the kind that rolls into a thong under your muffin top the first moment you exhale.

Okay i’m done. That’s all.

xx

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