Some days i feel like i’m doing too much. Some days i feel like i’m doing too little.
Then there are others when i feel like life is passing by too quickly and before i know it i’ll be 27 or 30 but then it’s never long again before i find myself solemnly pondering, wondering if a darker fug is awaiting me after i complete what’s left of this excursion that is my undergraduate education. So dark and muggy and miserably depressing that it’ll leave me clinging on drearily by my fingernails for dear life.
Other days it seems that my entire life revolves around dreading what my future holds for me which is really tiresome and makes me feel like running away. Sometimes i can’t help but notice that my daily routine with my boyfriend consists of reminding ourselves and talking about what we see in other people’s lives that we don’t want in ours. Always about taking other people’s mistakes and turning it into our lessons. I believe that this is my paranoid self’s fault and is a result of me pulling him down with me and has much to do with my mentality being “if you’re really here to stay for the ride, you might as well buckle up tight because it’s one hell of journey”.
I just feel so tired. So wearisome of the rest of my life that hasn’t even taken place yet.
There’s more for me out there, so many things to do, so many goals i haven’t achieved, so many chances at opportunities and lifestyles that were never in my reach and sadly will never will be, it’s like my whole teenage life has been about me wishing my youth away and yet the years have come and gone, they’re literally flying through my fingers as i helplessly grasp at sand blowing in the wind and it’s like, what the fuck, i’m now 23.
I will literally never be Kylie Jenner in any way possible.
It’s like i’m too old to do anything significant anymore. There. I said it. I don’t mean to be an obnoxious bitch by saying so but it’s just the way i feel. It oddly doesn’t apply to anyone else, it doesn’t apply to my boyfriend who’s nearing 30, it doesn’t apply to whoever. Just the one. Just me.
It’s like the opposite of “exceeding expectations”, whatever it is. My expectations. No one else’s, just mine. I’ve always been a huge advocate of the anti-complacency campaign. People often mistake for me being ungrateful and shit but they’re just peasants.
I am grateful in ways that only i can see and to me that’s all that matters.
Time is moving so fast and i understand that but it flummoxes me when i think about my progress and what i’ve been doing about it. My train of thought is literally always like, “oh man i’m 23 now i’m graduating next year, i should open a business or start investing or get a foothold on the real estate ladder, oh wait shit, i haven’t even saved shit yet. Okay. Cool i only have 6 months to get the money cause i want to hit the ground running i want to graduate with money already in my pocket. OKAY I CAN’T HANDLE THIS I THINK I SHOULD JUST CONTINUE ON WITH MY MASTERS SO I CAN DELAY ADULTING FOR NOW K COOL THAT’S A PLAN”.
And my boyfriend is just there wilting on the side like a limp weed, “um can we just get married a.s.a.p. and can you bear my babies already? I need you to tear open your vagina for my offspring and ruin your life”.
Like, fuck you. Fuck everyone. Fuck life.
It’s like i don’t have enough time in the world to plan for this.
Yet it’s also like i have too much time on my hands and i’m doing nothing with it.
And yet i just strangely feel really busy all the time.
That’s how i feel for tonight. Hopefully not tomorrow as well.