Let the world know that i’m a terrible lover
“All i want is nothing more, to hear you knocking at my door. Cause if i could see your face once more…i could die a happy man i’m sure.”
Currently 3.28am and i was watching youtube covers when all of a sudden this cover by The Sam Willows has me sobbing in tears and i’m reminded of my grandfather.
He passed not too long ago and i’m sure i’ve dedicated a post somewhere around here for him. It’s the least i can do considering i was the shittiest granddaughter when it came around to his passing. I wasn’t there when they received news about the cancer, i wasn’t there for him while he was getting his chemo nor was i there when he was sick and miserable with it.
“When you said your last goodbye, i died a little bit inside. I lay in bed in tears all day, alone without you by my side”.
But I wasn’t there during his last month or week and i wasn’t there to say goodbye to him during the last opportunity that i could have had with him. I wasn’t there to hold his hand and give him a last hug, i wasn’t there to breathe my regrets into his hard-hearing ear and neither was i when he battled for his breath. I wasn’t there for his funeral, i wasn’t there for his burial, i just wasn’t there.
I was in Indonesia for my student exchange and had no money for a ticket home.
But that’s just an excuse. Because I was never really there even when i was. I was there for 22 years of my life and yet, at the same time, i wasn’t.
“Cause if you loved me then why’d you leave me?”. He left, not because he didn’t love me, but because i never really cared to show my love for him enough. Ever.
A niggling voice inside my head tells me that i still have a chance to do better, considering my grandmother is downstairs on her own with no one else to coddle but my auntie, her youngest; whereas when my grandfather was around, she used to grumpily fuss over him and together they’d sit in content silence. But i nag back at the voice with shifty-eyed mutterings about my busy schedule and how i’m too lethargic to do anything else but laze about in bed and read my book, even though it’s already been a week since i got back.
I’m thinking now of ways that i could change; that within this week i’ll visit my grandfather’s grave, maybe leave him a cigarette or two since that was his only vice in life (and ultimately, the one that took him with it) but i really shouldn’t… maybe tomorrow i’ll go downstairs and finally pay my grandma a visit, ask her if she needs a ride anywhere, buy her some cakes and eat them with her while pretending i understand whatever Chinese soap opera she’s watching.
Maybe I will.
I’m sorry, ahkong. A thousand million times, i’m sorry. Please know that i love you and that i always have and always will even though i never ventured beyond playful conversation nor spared more than a cheery greeting as i came and left whenever i pleased. I loved you deeply and without a doubt, you were my favourite.
Postscript: There was this baseball cap i saw in Chinatown in Singapore that was soft and by then my grandfather had already lost his hair, his crowning glory. But it was ugly and i considered long and hard amidst the bustling crowd and congested alleyways. I knew the texture of the hat was a plus point and yet the hideous design on it with the cheap screen-printed picture of the Singapore skyline deterred me. I walked away from it and eventually bought for him a watch off the streets of Bangkok the next day. He made a delighted fuss about it and afterwards told me that his friends had complimented him on his watch. I felt mildly embarrassed because i knew that it was cheap but he wore it everyday anyway. I couldn’t pinpoint or describe the watch if you asked me to, other than the fact that it was golden, but he took it with him to his grave.
But if i had a chance to do things differently, the privilege of going back in time to help myself decide, i would have bought the hat for him (as well as the watch, of course). It would have been ugly but i should have known that he would have worn it anyway if only because it was from me…
That’s all. xx