Blogging naked + My mother cooks inedible oil for dinner + Weight rant

by alittlehoneyformyheart

So i’m sitting here in the buff because there seems to be a mild heatwave in my room. There’s no reasonable explanation for it other than the fact that i’m currently residing in an air dryer. Or i suppose i could more rationally attribute it to Brunei being directly under the equator hence the sweaty donkey balls atmosphere. Plus it’s almost summer all around the world. Either way, i don’t think my room has seen me wearing more than two pieces of clothing at all since i got back.

My parents haven’t really mentioned anything about my weight which for them is an all-time record considering it’s their favourite topic to nitpick on. Although this exchange did take place over dinner an hour ago.

  • Mother: Girl, are you really going to eat all that gravy? It’s practically liquid fats. It’s all oil! (Umm exaggeration btw, it’s gravy, it accompanies the lamb, it’s not technically ALL oil. She makes it sound almost inedible which is ironic considering she cooked it)
  • Father: Yeah, girl, it’s not good for you, don’t eat it. It’s all OYE (he means “oil” but like most typical Chinese people he has a tendency to skim over his Ls and Rs)
  • Girl: You mean, it’s all “OIL”. Which it’s not. And if it’s not meant to be eaten then why put it in the dish and tell me to finish it?! (Pretends to block out any word from then on and immerses myself into scrolling through my instagram feed. Eventually when the table is empty i carry my plate to my room and continue eating alone in peace)
  • Mother: *yells from the kitchen* Did you actually finish it? Did you really eat it all??
  • Girl: *opens the bedroom door* WHAT
  • Mother: I said, don’t finish eating your rice! It’s all OIL
  • Girl: *slams door closed*
  • Girl: *unsatisfied with one-sided exchange* *opens the bedroom door again* Yeah i did finish it. AND i licked the plate too!
  • Mother, father, whole house: *silence*

It’s not what you think. I actually lied. I didn’t finish eating my “oily” rice. But what i’m trying to do here is to let them know that i’m taking a stand against their “constructive criticism” (which happens to be just about the most destructive thing ever). They disguise their concerns with shouts about my “health” but the elephant in the room (excuse the double entendre) that everyone is dodging around, is the word “FAT”. What they really mean to say is, “Don’t eat it, it’ll make you fatter than you already are”.

Before i left for my year of student exchange in Indonesia, i used to cry and scream til i was blue in the face because i had such a bad attitude towards food. Anytime my parents weren’t around to tell me how fat i was getting, i’d binge and overeat til it felt like i was about to explode because at home, food was taboo and treated like the forbidden fruit. In response, i took it as my guilty pleasure to gorge on as much as possible where possible and when possible because at home, i’d have to tiptoe my way around the kitchen, almost like i was a criminal.

I don’t feel like going into the whole shebang again mostly because this topic has been worn thin on this blog and i no longer feel the need to milk it for all its worth. I’m okay now but i still try to take a stand against my parents barraging when i can, mostly for the sake of my siblings. I’m strong enough to fight it and i’m well-read enough to know that this suppressive approach towards food is deteriorating in itself. But my younger siblings don’t know any better so i’m here to do it for them. I came back last week ostensibly shocked as two of them (both under ten years old) greeted me at the airport with cheery smiles but visibly shrunken cheeks. Their frames which used to be solid and full were bony and skinny and i returned their hugs with faltered smiles and quelled excitement as i wonder “what the hell happened while i was gone?”. I reach home and another more depressing shock came to me and my other 17 year old brother sullenly bounded down the stairs, my brother who always retained his fat baby squirrel cheeks throughout puberty now had a thigh gap. He was so skinny it looked like i could snap his forearms in half if i wanted to (i considered that he might be taking drugs but crushed that idea because he’s home 95% of the time and he shares a room with my other brother so this hunger strike is most likely out of defiance for my parents– i’d do the same myself if i didn’t love food so much).

Okay so i’ve gone off on a bend with this topic. It’s one i feel quite strongly about because it’s also the topic that i struggle with every single day. But that’s for another more depressing time. I’m supposed to get ready to see my boyfriend at his place at 8 o’clock but it’s currently 7.55pm and i’m still…naked. At my study table. Conjuring up that gorgeous glass of ice lemon tea in my head that i’m too lazy to get up and make myself.

That’s all! xx