Withdrawal symptoms + Books ARE drugs + “T.T.R.”? + Joe Hill is a mastermind
It’s been two days and i have yet to settle on a book to properly read, which for me is saying a lot about my current state of mind. Me, someone who considers reading two books in one go an act of infidelity, who feels uncomfortable at even picking up a new book while unfinished with another. Trust me, it’s saying something. I usually make the transition from one book to another seamlessly, in fact, i’m rarely without a book in my life. But how can i when i don’t even know what i’m feeling right now?? In layman’s terms, it would be like having someone in a monogamous relationship for the past 20 years suddenly forget how their spouse looks like for no apparent reason and then wandering the streets and then sleeping in a different random stranger’s bed every night with their eyes open. Just tragic.
So far i’ve “read”:
- A few pages off “Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married” by Marian Keyes
- A few pages off “The Goldfinch” by Donna Tartt
- A few short stories from Joe Hill’s 20th Century Ghosts including “Best New Horror: Buttonboy” and “Last Breath”
- A few short stories from “Stories” compiled by Neil Gaiman and Al Sarrantonio including “The Truth is a Cave in the Mountains” (Neil Gaiman), “Devil in The Staircase” (Joe Hill) and “Weights and Measures” (Jodi Picoult).
- The first four short stories by Aimee Bender in “Willful Creatures”
- The first page off “Lolita” by Nabokov
(And at one point, i’d also picked up “Young Bysshe” by Claire Tomalin which is a short biography on Percy Bysshe Shelley published under Pocket Penguins and i fell asleep with it by my bed but woke up feeling detached to it so i put it back on the shelf).
Personally, i’m not much of a short story person. Normally, i would feel like short stories are noncommittal. They bore me because i can never really get into it and i prefer something more promising and fulfilling in the long run (??). Usually what i do with these “short story books” is i bulldoze them all in one go, like i would with a novel. Like, i rarely pick these stories out one by one because i usually read them as a whole book and idk it just feels weird for me to pick up a book, read a few pages and then put it back. It almost feels like i’m molesting them or something equally inappropriate and disrespectful T.T
WHY WHY DO I INSIST ON GIVING INANIMATE OBJECTS FEELINGS
But the past two days, my mind has just been everywhere, it’s like i’ve been feeling everything and nothing, reading everything and nothing, thinking of everything and yet deciding nothing. I’m just trying to figure out what it is that’s going through my head and at the same time, i’m trying to come to an understanding of what it is i want. It’s a lot of emotions to go through within the span of 48 hours but it is what it is. To some people, it may seem like i’m shutting down but really, my mind has just been working on overdrive.
Have you ever felt like…confident that you knew what you were doing and that you were the main deliberator of your decisions and then suddenly have someone come along and make it all seem worthless and ridiculous? Or have you ever felt like you were being strong and self-empowering and then after meeting someone, all of a sudden you’re left wondering why you even bothered? Why do you try so hard? Why do you make things so difficult for yourself? Why do you think so much? But then feeling something deep inside of you fighting for its life and trying to remind you of all the reasons of why you did what you did in the first place. Have you ever…?
Because of how unhinged i’ve been feeling as of late, i’ve been looking for books that really strike you to the core, words that make you feel something, anything, even if that thing turns out to be disturbing, horrifying and fascinatingly repulsive. And to that Joe Hill has been the answer to my prayers, even if it is only temporary reprieve in the form of a short story. I feel like i’ve raved so much about him already but my words can do his no justice! The opening short story of “20th century ghosts” is “Best new Horror” which is about an editor who specializes in horror fiction who receives a short story in the mail titled “Buttonboy: A love story” and it is the single most terrifying and disturbing thing i have read…probably ever. It’s like horror within horror. I remember reading it for the first time years back while eating dinner which was fried chicken and i was using this special chill sauce dip and i remember being so repelled by it and so disturbed that the fried chicken in my mouth started tasting weird. And every time i even so much as looked at that brand of chili sauce after that, i just had to look away in repulsion…even though it was probably my favourite chili sauce ever at the time. Point being: Joe Hill is a mastermind and b) don’t eat while watching or reading horror anything.
I’ll update this post later on with some snapchats (mine is SJZRL) of the grisliest bits that i found while reading it earlier today because my phone is charging at the moment…okay and also i don’t want to accidentally read some bits of it and not be able to sleep. I suppose the right thing to do would be to draft this post first instead of just updating it later on after already publishing it but i really, really want to get something out before i sleep tonight.
Updated (that Snapchat quality tho — click on them to enlarge):
I’m so relieved and glad i finally finished this post because this is my seventh draft and i was just getting so restless trying to get something done instead of flitting from one idea to another. It’s 5 a.m. and i’m just going to watch some vlogs before hitting the sheets because i have to get up at 10 to get ready to have a late breakfast of french toast at 11! Not really sure what i’m going to do after but i’m considering sitting my bum in a cafe somewhere and forcing myself to start reading something and actually stick to it. Hopefully, i’ll have enough time and enough of my wits gathered by the time i have to leave the house to be able to pick the right book to shake me out of this reverie. Please please please, literary deities in book heaven, aid me in my quest for the right one!
I feel like i need to pick a neutral book to sort of ward off the bad vibes and balance out this “reader’s block” before i get started on the new ones i got from K.K. I just wouldn’t be doing any of them justice in my current frenzy! 😥
That’s all for tonight!