Taking a stand in what you’ll never believe in
I’m in pain. In pain by the fact that no one believes me. By the fact that there really is no justice in the world. By the fact that there are illogical people that walk this earth so far up with their head in the clouds that no amount of rationalizing or conviction can persuade them that what they believe is wrong.
I’m sat here camped out in a corner of my boyfriend’s room a day after i stormed out from my own home in a fit of anger, disbelief and more than a tinge of sadness. No amount of tissues can make up for the tears i’ve shed today and it’s definitely going to take more than cigarettes to calm down this inner turmoil. I don’t want this to mean goodbye but this seems like the final straw. I have my pride and if i can’t begin by even making a change at home, then what chance do i stand in the world?
I am done with being shot down and humored. I am done with taking this abuse and mistreatment. Just because i go down with a fight does not mean i don’t get defeated too. And i am defeated and drained with nothing left to give.
Here’s a hypothetical scenario (that did NOT happen, just to make this clear, this is merely an example to illustrate my situation better):
There’s a rapist and a victim. The rapist attempts the deed but instead comes away with his dick bitten off by the victim. They both get taken in by the police who determine that since he was castrated in the process, both of them are let off scot-free because they both got each other back. All this without taking into any account the intention of the rapist and the trauma the victim faces.
Oh and also because the victim is a bitch and was talking back to the rapist at the beginning, she should learn how to talk in a less abrasive tone. And not to forget! The rapist was having a bad day so the victim needs to be more sympathetic because if she had a bad day, she would probably attempt to rape someone too, right?
This, ladies and gentlemen, is how my family functions. It’s the whole “an eye for an eye” concept where it doesn’t come into play whether it’s a sly poke or a complete dislodging of an eyeball. Ignore the fact that the person who started it is lying and shows no remorse for his or her actions! Ignore that the person was attempting to do the deed because hey, it’s not like he went all the way, right? Ignore all the intentions and focus on the fact that you’re still alive. Woohoo. Because everything is fun and games until someone dies.
And i don’t want to be there to watch the end of that story.
All i want is for someone to recognize that the “rapist” has a problem and see that his intentions, no matter how unfruitful, were clear. I’ve come to accept that you’re never going to wonder if i’m okay.
People say that they see me as a “strong” person, with the will to survive and make it out alive. But just because you think i’m strong and capable of taking matters into my own hands, it doesn’t mean that i don’t hurt too.
And i am hurt and bruised all over emotionally and maybe even a little physically. They say third time’s the charm but nothing seems very promising right now.