5. Write a letter to anybody
He….y. Because that’s how we usually greet each other now whenever we see each other by chance. And there’s always that chance of it happening since some bridges simply cannot and will not be burnt and as a result of that, there are still friends among us, (much scathed but now safe with me) . I wrote you a letter once when i first screwed up and yet that isn’t even accurate because i screwed up much more even before that, let alone after. I didn’t give that letter to you because it seemed too gay at the time and being your friend then, i know how well you deal with emotional displays– you don’t. The letter still exists somewhere in some crevice on my dresser and i bump into it sometimes when i’m looking for a brochure i swore i kept or a lone earring which sometimes slips in between.
Do i regret not giving you the letter? Maybe i do. Sometimes i don’t. Maybe seventeen year old me wasn’t so fucked up after all. Maybe she knew better than to make her friends promises that she knew her demons would break. To apologise for what she would do again and again until the whole thing had eventually and destructively run its course. I still remember the first time i made you cry and that made me cry just because you never cry, much less because of a friend. But then again friends aren’t supposed to make you cry in the first place.
I thought that i was finally emerging a winner, that this inevitably set victory on the horizon for the near future until you pulled me aside at that very moment and made me see that, far from it…i had lost more than i had ever won. I had sacrificed an entire rebellion.
I thought i was better after that because when there’s a will there’s a way and i was on my best behaviour. So there we all still sat day after day, much less in number yet still defiant as ever. Or so we thought.
Sometimes when i’m in another one of my asshole moods and i’ve just had a nasty blast from the past or when i’m feeling drunk and bitter and reminiscing, i tell myself that they left. I may have made them left. But in the end, they left. Then i knock myself out and then wake up a few hours later back to being the person that i now am but still left with a few lingering thoughts of the girl that was once me. And that person and this person remembers deep down that you didn’t. You may have walked on and kept on walking in the end but unlike the other blurs, you tried and all of you who stayed fought through it alongside me.
But in the end to no avail, it had to turn out the way it did for it to turn out this way today. I had to face them on my own and fight to keep whatever was worth keeping no matter how much of a shell it reduced me to in the process. I’m only sorry you and the rest couldn’t be salvaged.
In a way, i’m glad that twenty one year old me is smart enough and safe enough to understand that while some things were great and amazing as all good friendships are supposed to be, there’s only so much damage one can inflict on another person before it starts taking up a part of you too. And i overstepped those limits more than anyone will ever know. Some things just have to be laid to rest for good. I hope you don’t think too badly of me now and i hope that whenever i reminisce another oldie but goodie of a memory (of which there are plenty) to a new loved one, a teeny tiny sentimental part of you remembers me for the good and not the mad. And knows how sorry i am.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us [yet] we had nothing before us.”
I hope you guys enjoyed this. It’s part of my personal project for the new few months where i plan on broadening my writing horizons and just dusting off the cobwebs basically. I haven’t written anything for fun in a while so i thought i’d give it a shot and take part in some writing challenges i found here and there. Some of my material may likely be fiction or it may be based on personal experiences of mine. Or even a mixture of both. Keep guessing! Let me know what you think, thanks for reading!