Don’t fight me on this

This is just going to be a short post (update: not really). But i’ve just been doing lots of thinking. Unintentional thinking, that is. I don’t want to think about it but i can’t help it. Whenever i see or hear people talk about their family and how much they miss them and love them and want to spend the rest of their lives with them, i feel my heart being cemented and it’s like there’s a cold stone wall slowly expanding around it and covering it with every thought that comes to my mind.

From my previous post i mentioned that i left Brunei on very bad terms with my family and while i’ve patched things up already with my dad and my mum, some days i get these flashbacks and as hard i try to blink them all away, i can’t block these blows out. And someday i must confess, i don’t even try. I’m filled with a passive sort of anger and revenge and there’ll always be that part of me that wants to keep my distance, to turn away and never look back. I’ll always love my siblings and yet they’re far too young to understand the depth of these complications and conflicts that scar me so deeply, i fear i’ll never recover.

So while i’m here complaining and bitching about how long my working hours are, there’s a part of me which wishes that this will never end. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to face reality. I don’t want to have to fight all the time and to have to put up a strong front. It’s tiring being the bitch that everyone loves to hate at home, it’s sad playing the bad person all the time and yet if i don’t, who will. Tread or be trodden on, that’s how it’s always been. You fight me i fight harder and that will show you not to fight me. I’m tired and i’m exhausted. My mental will has been depleted after being worn through. I’m so so tired. I don’t miss home and when my boyfriend tells me that he wishes November would come faster so that we can be together again, i resent him for it. Not because i don’t want to see him but because it’s all very easy for him to want me to go home when i’m the one who has to face everything. He’ll always be an definite part of my future, can’t he let me savour the present?

The awkwardness of it all, the hotness of the place i call home, the iciness of the blood that binds us all as relations, i don’t want to deal with it. My grandfather has cancer and the last i heard it was at a terminal stage. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him before i left because he went to sleep early and i was running away and packing my things as fast i could anyway. Any day now i could wake up one grandfather less and i haven’t done anything about it. It’s not that i don’t want to, it’s just that my mother is making it very hard for me to reach my grandfather without having to go through my father. I think she knows that i haven’t spoken to him personally and that i don’t plan to until i get back home when it’s an absolute must (we communicate through the family group chat but even then, my barriers surround me, i’m not ready to forget yet, not ready, not ready). So there’s that and it makes me dread the idea of home even more.

I’ve made myself a home here and it feels so temporary that i embrace it with such vigour and battle my daily challenges with a brave face and a strong heart. It won’t last forever and yet i’m adamant to act like it will or it would break  my heart so. My room is basic and clean and new, it has a tv, an aircon, a single bed, a small kitchen downstairs, my own toilet, my cupboard and i fucking love it. I love it. I REALLY DO. This is my home, my peaceful home where i can shut everything and everyone out should i choose to. It’s comfortable and i get to live in it without a care in the world.

I’m not anyone here. I’m just Sheyenne the bimbotic intern from that weird, rich country who gets her hair done before coming into work and carries a handbag around instead of a backpack like everyone else who spends her weekends brunching at beautiful restaurants and shopping to her heart’s content and dancing her feet off at music festivals. I don’t have to be the bitch daughter or the bitch sister. I don’t have to be the fake dutiful granddaughter who tries her hardest not to let her impatience at this whole family business show. I don’t have to be that friend who’s outwardly strong and snappy and yet secretly lets everyone step all over her until she doesn’t. I don’t have to. I can start anew here. Too bad it’s only for a few months.

My take on TBS Nutriganic’s “Drops of Youth” serum

Disclaimer: I love reviewing things but for those of you who wonder why i never post my own pictures, it’s mostly because i don’t really like the whole hassle of uploading things and transferring data, plus it doesn’t help that i’m not really the best photographer. I also know that the products that i talk about can easily be found with the help of a quick Google search, hence i’d prefer investing my energy into relaying my honest thoughts for my readers! Since i’m an avid procrastinator, just the whole process involving photos bores me and would most likely lead to it ending in the draft box. Lol

So tonight i want to talk about The Body Shop’s Nutriganics “Drops of Youth” serum which has been much hyped as a miracle product capable of transforming your skin overnight allowing you to wake up to smoother, brighter and younger feeling skin. I have friends who use it on its own instead of as a serum pre-moisturizer because they want the full effects of the product on its own but personally, i prefer going to by the book (because i’m anal that way lol) and applying it after my toner and before my moisturizer or face oil. On Makeup Alley, only 55% said that they’d repurchase it and after reading the reviews, i am happy to say i am not alone in saying that i too am far from impressed by this product.

For me, it definitely wasn’t worth the hype, nor the price. It took me weeks to decide i wanted to drop $50 on a tiny bottle of serum but being fully immersed in my skin care addiction at the time, i finally bought it. It wasn’t just that it was overhyped, i legitly wanted to see something the next day…but i didn’t. A month passed and i still didn’t notice any noticeable differences and now it’s been about four months, i’m more than halfway through the bottle and still zero 😦

Don’t get me wrong, it does feel fresh with its lightweight consistency and it definitely has the makings of my ideal serum texture (minus its functionality) as i do enjoy lighter feeling products, especially since there tends to be a lot of layering going on during our 12-step beauty routines. The Drops of Youth absorbs well into the skin without leaving overly sticky residue, making it more comfortable and less icky when applying a thicker night cream on top.

So my conclusion (taking into consideration other reviews and observations that i’ve made from elsewhere) is that it doesn’t work and if it does, it heavily relies on your skin type and on the condition of your skin. It doesn’t do any miracles unless your skin is already in a good state and clear to begin with (as most products tend to be; mere enhancers). My skin has a few dark spots on it from past acne scars and i do break out in pimples fairly often so this Nutriganics product did nothing for me. I give it 2.5 stars but only because i still use it when i’m feeling really lazy (which happens on a frequent basis) just to feel like i’m doing something for my skin…even if i can’t see it. 

P.s. BTW that lie about only using 2-3 drops on every single serum bottle is ridiculous. I use an entire pump per use on average! At least!

That’s all! xx

Update #2 from Jak City

So today is my second week here in Jakarta and exactly ten days since i first started my internship. I have a lot of things i want to talk about and a lot of things have happened since i got here but i haven’t been blogging much considering i haven’t exactly had much time to myself to even gather my thoughts. So let me try and go through things in whatever order they come!

My internship has been going okay so far. I’m still at that odd stage that every intern goes through when they first start out and no one trusts them to do anything so they’re stuck between either staring into space and looking gormless or fiddling around with their phones and looking lazy. I’m not comfortable with doing either so it’s been specially hard for me, particularly with the language barrier. It makes me seem incompatible and while everyone is friendly and always up for a laugh, i do feel like they find it subconsciously difficult to relate to me in a way which may result in them not considering me an equal colleague which means they’ll be less likely to give me jobs, no matter how much i ask them. But then again i could just be paranoid. All of the other interns have assured me that they too underwent the same ordeal so i’ll just have to wait and see.

Other than that, i do like the atmosphere and working on a talk show you definitely do get to meet important names (it’s a shame i don’t know who they are half the time, i really must work on keeping updated with the Indonesian media! Thank God my new place has a TV so i have no excuses). BUT the one thing that really, really gets me down are the working hours. A normal job would be 8 to 4 or 9 to 5, my working hours, however. begin at 12pm and ends at 10. LIKE, TEN FREAKING PM. What the hell am i supposed to do when i get off work at 10pm?! I was prepared to work hard when i came here and i knew the hours would be crazy. But 1) I’m not even fucking working half the time so technically, i am sitting on my ass for those ten hours and 2) I didn’t think it would be everyday! i thought it would be during deadlines or projects or something where we’d work overtime and i was wholly prepared for that but not this. I usually would be thrilled at the idea of work beginning at 12pm because i’m not a morning person but hello, this is just a waste of time considering from my observations, all the work that everyone does could be compressed into maximum 4-6 hours. NOT TEN HOURS STARTING MID DAY.

Another thing that has happened big time is my hair. I don’t want to talk about this and i’m not comfortable even blogging about it now but i need to get it out somehow. My boyfriend left to go back to Brunei on Monday and even he doesn’t know the state of distress that i am in. I skyped with some friends yesterday and i didn’t even mention it because just the thought and sight of it saddens me and i keep thinking that if i don’t talk about it, i’ll somehow deal with it better. Plus it’s not like talking about it to people will fix it so yeah. Long story short, i cut my hair my bangs ended up too short and too thin, i got to Jakarta and asked a hairdresser to blow out my hair and make my fringe disappear and he did, i didn’t know how style my own hair after that and i was getting frustrated having to go to the salon just to wash my hair each time and get it styled so i decided to just get it permed (what was the logic of that even lol but it just made sense then) and now i have short thin poodle hair with tight wet shoulder length curls. Do i like what i see? No. Do i want to punch the mirror when i see my reflection? Yes. But it’s okay. I’m going to be cool about it because i’m adamant that i’ll make the most out of my stay here. Plus i’m not even that bothered i guess.

Her hair literally looks better than mine rn

Also my family situation right now is kind of weird. I left on very bad terms particularly with my dad and my departure was a very rushed affair with only my mum and my siblings sending me off and even then, it was a very hasty dry-eyed farewell. Well, it wasn’t completely dry eyed, i arrived at the airport sobbing — okay it’s actually making me cry again thinking about it– but not because i was leaving but because of the fight and how my mum didn’t defend me whatsoever and didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself before she turned completely and undeniably turned her back against me to side with my dad. I’m very headstrong at home so i’m always viewed as the villain no matter how good my intentions are and i don’t remember the last time my mum or my dad tried to see things from my perspective. So the fight happened the night before i was leaving which ended in me racing my car to my boyfriend’s place in the dead of the night, sobbing furiously but i went home the next morning and me and my mum were still on mumbling terms so i took it that we were okay even though she kept pressuring me to talk to my dad which i didn’t. Cause he was just as wrong as i was and i maintain it til today. So on the way to the airport she started telling me off about how it was completely my fault which just ended up with me crying while i tried my hardest to explain myself.

“When was the last time you took my side on ANYTHING or even tried to see things from my perspective?” “I did! I stopped you yesterday–” “You stopped ME, you stopped ME in the middle of a fight that he started, how is that taking my side? You still think it’s completely my fault!” “Well you shouldn’t have reacted that way and did what you did–” “And i agree with you, i shouldn’t have! I replied you yesterday telling you that i agreed with you and i apologized but you never read it did you? Instead again you blocked me like i’m just some bitch and this is high school! You’re supposed to be my mother!” and that left you stuttering speechlessly because for once you saw i was right. It had taken me a long time to think of that heartfelt reply and to think of what to say in response to her text because i wanted to make sure that she would read it and understood and see that i wasn’t just some crazy villain without a single rational bone in my body. But it didn’t make a difference because i never stood a chance anyway, she said what she had wanted to say and then she just blocked me because in her head whatever i had to say wouldn’t be good nor worth listening to. In my reply, i had pleaded with her and explained myself and she rejected it, she rejected me. And so it went on and on and on until we neared the airport and i told her to just drop me off at the entrance. But she still insisted on coming down because “the kids wanted to see me off”. And eventhough i had a while more to spare, i told them that i needed to go in immediately and before the kids could cry, i gave them their toys that i had specially bought for the occasion and i left. I cried the moment the gates closed but it was important to me that the children didn’t see me cry and vice versa.

I texted with my dad a day or two after that and we called a truce. We’re on talking terms now but i don’t know if we’ll recover much from this. I’m hoping the distance apart will help. Sometimes people will question me, like my boyfriend or my friends or family members and i can see them wondering how it is that i’m so rude to my parents. But the thing is, in my eyes, they haven’t acted like my parents in a long, long time. They haven’t taken care of me or taken an interest in my life for years. I have literally been left on my own and made to face my own problems with only my boyfriend for help. When we fight, it’s not like how parents fight with their children, often it seems as though they’re fighting with someone their own age and for me, sometimes it feels like i’m having a bitch fight in school all over again (being blocked on Whatsapp by my own parents is the least of my problems) and i have to fend for myself amongst these adults i’m supposed to love unconditionally .

When i ask them for help, like how normal kids ask parents for help, it actually feels like i’m literally asking them for a favor. When i got news that i got my internship, i didn’t know that i would be fully sponsored by my university so i thought i’d have to buy my own ticket. My boyfriend was the one who immediately sprang into action and looked up the tickets on the spot with his credit card in hand. I told him to give  me time to ask my parents to at least give them a chance to play an active part in my life and resume their responsibility of me and instead i point blank got a sigh from my mum and a mumble that they wanted to save up for their vacation at the end of the year. A vacation that i won’t even be joining which means i will literally take up zero expenses (but then again, it’s not like they support me financially anyway). People always say “respect your elders” or some other crap Asian philosophy, but i call bullshit on that. Respect still needs to be earned at the end of the day and they haven’t acted like parents to me in a long, long time. I always thought it was normal until i met my boyfriend and saw the shock and pity in his eyes whenever i told him about something that happened at home. He’s never disrespected my family before, he really is the most respectful son-in-law and best brother-in-law that anyone could ask for and yet my parents often act like he owes them something. Fuck that, no one owns me. Especially not by default.

Okay so this post has gone off a tangent. Lol i’m going to sign off now.

Update from Jak City

Recently, i got news that i got accepted for an internship at a renowned tv station so two days ago i packed up and embarked on my four month adventure to Jakarta, a city that i’ve loved ever since i first stepped foot in it two years ago. YAY!

So far it’s been okay, i’ve already gained some footing since i’m currently living with my boyfriend’s family as usual while awaiting my actual accommodation to be ready (which i love btw but more on that later!) so it feels like i’m just on another normal vacation visiting my boyfriend’s relatives.

Except this time is different. So different.

I’m not sure if the initial magic just wore off, i still love the city of course, but deep down i’m sort of mildly terrified at the thought of being left here on my own once my boyfriend heads back to Brunei. In Jakarta the public transport isn’t that great and while my office will be within walking distance (sorta idk we tried a trial walk just now and it felt pretty damn long), what the hell do i do to get from one place to another? Like what if i just want to go on a coffee run in some food mall in the middle of the night? Okay so i don’t drink coffee but it’s still a valid question! Yeah i can catch a cab but i still have to walk some level out into the street before i find one. And i don’t mind walking except…i like to look pretty luxe when i hit the malls so does that mean i have to wear a separate outfit every time i leave the house and change into a better one when i reach my destination? Considering i’m not too psyched at the idea of being the target of some mugger, this doesn’t seem so far-fetched (Update: My boyfriend says i can call the cab to pick me up from my doorstep. Lol duh #firstworldproblems)

TBH i don’t think i thought this all the way through before coming here. I was just so excited to leave. Lol

Tomorrow i need to get my nails done, get my hair done and go shopping for work outfits because apparently, the main dress code for all interns is literally all black with a mandatory black button up. 15 year old me would have been so psyched. I went for a briefing yesterday at the main headquarters and felt like an absolutely blob compared to everyone. Everyone there was dressed to the nines, in heels, with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I am literally considering getting a blowout every day before heading to work (Update: It was a Friday and apparently “Casual Fridays” mean something different here cause people use the opportunity to dress better than usual. Haha)

Lol okay this is a pretty half assed post but okay.jpg. I just missed updating! That’s all for now.