Update #2 from Jak City

by alittlehoneyformyheart

So today is my second week here in Jakarta and exactly ten days since i first started my internship. I have a lot of things i want to talk about and a lot of things have happened since i got here but i haven’t been blogging much considering i haven’t exactly had much time to myself to even gather my thoughts. So let me try and go through things in whatever order they come!

My internship has been going okay so far. I’m still at that odd stage that every intern goes through when they first start out and no one trusts them to do anything so they’re stuck between either staring into space and looking gormless or fiddling around with their phones and looking lazy. I’m not comfortable with doing either so it’s been specially hard for me, particularly with the language barrier. It makes me seem incompatible and while everyone is friendly and always up for a laugh, i do feel like they find it subconsciously difficult to relate to me in a way which may result in them not considering me an equal colleague which means they’ll be less likely to give me jobs, no matter how much i ask them. But then again i could just be paranoid. All of the other interns have assured me that they too underwent the same ordeal so i’ll just have to wait and see.

Other than that, i do like the atmosphere and working on a talk show you definitely do get to meet important names (it’s a shame i don’t know who they are half the time, i really must work on keeping updated with the Indonesian media! Thank God my new place has a TV so i have no excuses). BUT the one thing that really, really gets me down are the working hours. A normal job would be 8 to 4 or 9 to 5, my working hours, however. begin at 12pm and ends at 10. LIKE, TEN FREAKING PM. What the hell am i supposed to do when i get off work at 10pm?! I was prepared to work hard when i came here and i knew the hours would be crazy. But 1) I’m not even fucking working half the time so technically, i am sitting on my ass for those ten hours and 2) I didn’t think it would be everyday! i thought it would be during deadlines or projects or something where we’d work overtime and i was wholly prepared for that but not this. I usually would be thrilled at the idea of work beginning at 12pm because i’m not a morning person but hello, this is just a waste of time considering from my observations, all the work that everyone does could be compressed into maximum 4-6 hours. NOT TEN HOURS STARTING MID DAY.

Another thing that has happened big time is my hair. I don’t want to talk about this and i’m not comfortable even blogging about it now but i need to get it out somehow. My boyfriend left to go back to Brunei on Monday and even he doesn’t know the state of distress that i am in. I skyped with some friends yesterday and i didn’t even mention it because just the thought and sight of it saddens me and i keep thinking that if i don’t talk about it, i’ll somehow deal with it better. Plus it’s not like talking about it to people will fix it so yeah. Long story short, i cut my hair my bangs ended up too short and too thin, i got to Jakarta and asked a hairdresser to blow out my hair and make my fringe disappear and he did, i didn’t know how style my own hair after that and i was getting frustrated having to go to the salon just to wash my hair each time and get it styled so i decided to just get it permed (what was the logic of that even lol but it just made sense then) and now i have short thin poodle hair with tight wet shoulder length curls. Do i like what i see? No. Do i want to punch the mirror when i see my reflection? Yes. But it’s okay. I’m going to be cool about it because i’m adamant that i’ll make the most out of my stay here. Plus i’m not even that bothered i guess.

Her hair literally looks better than mine rn

Also my family situation right now is kind of weird. I left on very bad terms particularly with my dad and my departure was a very rushed affair with only my mum and my siblings sending me off and even then, it was a very hasty dry-eyed farewell. Well, it wasn’t completely dry eyed, i arrived at the airport sobbing — okay it’s actually making me cry again thinking about it– but not because i was leaving but because of the fight and how my mum didn’t defend me whatsoever and didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself before she turned completely and undeniably turned her back against me to side with my dad. I’m very headstrong at home so i’m always viewed as the villain no matter how good my intentions are and i don’t remember the last time my mum or my dad tried to see things from my perspective. So the fight happened the night before i was leaving which ended in me racing my car to my boyfriend’s place in the dead of the night, sobbing furiously but i went home the next morning and me and my mum were still on mumbling terms so i took it that we were okay even though she kept pressuring me to talk to my dad which i didn’t. Cause he was just as wrong as i was and i maintain it til today. So on the way to the airport she started telling me off about how it was completely my fault which just ended up with me crying while i tried my hardest to explain myself.

“When was the last time you took my side on ANYTHING or even tried to see things from my perspective?” “I did! I stopped you yesterday–” “You stopped ME, you stopped ME in the middle of a fight that he started, how is that taking my side? You still think it’s completely my fault!” “Well you shouldn’t have reacted that way and did what you did–” “And i agree with you, i shouldn’t have! I replied you yesterday telling you that i agreed with you and i apologized but you never read it did you? Instead again you blocked me like i’m just some bitch and this is high school! You’re supposed to be my mother!” and that left you stuttering speechlessly because for once you saw i was right. It had taken me a long time to think of that heartfelt reply and to think of what to say in response to her text because i wanted to make sure that she would read it and understood and see that i wasn’t just some crazy villain without a single rational bone in my body. But it didn’t make a difference because i never stood a chance anyway, she said what she had wanted to say and then she just blocked me because in her head whatever i had to say wouldn’t be good nor worth listening to. In my reply, i had pleaded with her and explained myself and she rejected it, she rejected me. And so it went on and on and on until we neared the airport and i told her to just drop me off at the entrance. But she still insisted on coming down because “the kids wanted to see me off”. And eventhough i had a while more to spare, i told them that i needed to go in immediately and before the kids could cry, i gave them their toys that i had specially bought for the occasion and i left. I cried the moment the gates closed but it was important to me that the children didn’t see me cry and vice versa.

I texted with my dad a day or two after that and we called a truce. We’re on talking terms now but i don’t know if we’ll recover much from this. I’m hoping the distance apart will help. Sometimes people will question me, like my boyfriend or my friends or family members and i can see them wondering how it is that i’m so rude to my parents. But the thing is, in my eyes, they haven’t acted like my parents in a long, long time. They haven’t taken care of me or taken an interest in my life for years. I have literally been left on my own and made to face my own problems with only my boyfriend for help. When we fight, it’s not like how parents fight with their children, often it seems as though they’re fighting with someone their own age and for me, sometimes it feels like i’m having a bitch fight in school all over again (being blocked on Whatsapp by my own parents is the least of my problems) and i have to fend for myself amongst these adults i’m supposed to love unconditionally .

When i ask them for help, like how normal kids ask parents for help, it actually feels like i’m literally asking them for a favor. When i got news that i got my internship, i didn’t know that i would be fully sponsored by my university so i thought i’d have to buy my own ticket. My boyfriend was the one who immediately sprang into action and looked up the tickets on the spot with his credit card in hand. I told him to give  me time to ask my parents to at least give them a chance to play an active part in my life and resume their responsibility of me and instead i point blank got a sigh from my mum and a mumble that they wanted to save up for their vacation at the end of the year. A vacation that i won’t even be joining which means i will literally take up zero expenses (but then again, it’s not like they support me financially anyway). People always say “respect your elders” or some other crap Asian philosophy, but i call bullshit on that. Respect still needs to be earned at the end of the day and they haven’t acted like parents to me in a long, long time. I always thought it was normal until i met my boyfriend and saw the shock and pity in his eyes whenever i told him about something that happened at home. He’s never disrespected my family before, he really is the most respectful son-in-law and best brother-in-law that anyone could ask for and yet my parents often act like he owes them something. Fuck that, no one owns me. Especially not by default.

Okay so this post has gone off a tangent. Lol i’m going to sign off now.