Just me against myself

by alittlehoneyformyheart

Lately, i find that that i’ve been asking myself one question over and over again. “When was the last time i did something that i didn’t want to?”

Even writing that now makes my blood temperature go up a few degrees. That’s how much i abhor the idea. And yet, there’s also no hiding from the fact that some discipline is necessary, even in the smallest doses. Although i still cannot stomach that i’m actually endorsing that idea, let alone considering implementing it in my day to day routine.

When i ask myself the question, i don’t necessarily mean it in a “i need to go rock climbing a.s.a.p. eventhough i have terrible upper body strength and hate being outdoors” kind of way. What i mean is, when was the last time i actually followed the rules that i set for myself?

Like, when was the last time i disciplined myself in any way instead of immediately caving in and giving in to all my heartfelt desires without a second thought? When was the last time i denied myself something?

I know people say “the heart wants what it wants” (or was that just Selena Gomez idk) but at the same time, is listening to your heart all the time all that it’s cracked up to be?

When was the last time i told myself a firm, resounding “no” when one of my so-called “insatiable” cravings came up? That just because there were moments when i felt like i would die if i didn’t have a “matcha latte with milk foam and extra boba” in my hands within the next 24 hours, that i wouldn’t actually die if i didn’t have it? That just because i didn’t get enough sleep the night before doesn’t make it alright to miss class at 10 a.m. just because my sleep-deprived body feels like it’s physically attached to my bed? Because God forbid i actually have adult responsibilities that i have to fulfill and duties that i can’t just abandon at a moment’s notice.

I was thinking of it because i haven’t been doing very well this semester (despite my initial optimism). A lot of people and classmates who also just got back from the year abroad pin it down to being part of the transition of settling back in to normal life after experiencing a different lifestyle and i agree with that. Because every week i tell myself “next week is going to be the week that i attend all my classes and i’m going to be punctual while i’m at it” and yet the week goes by and still i keep on missing classes and still i keep on telling myself that next week is going to be better. Except when i got back from Jakarta two weeks ago deciding to go into crunch mode which meant catching up on lectures and assignments etc., i texted a classmate asking her what i’d miss in the past few weeks of classes– just f.y.i. i’d only gone into this particular module about three or four times throughout the semester… only to have her reply me and tell me that lectures had already ended for good two weeks ago. I mean, sure, it was only a light breadth module from an opposite faculty but i was still shocked nonetheless.

Same thing happened with another class that i’d missed last week, only to have the lecturer inform us via email that this week would be the last lecture before exams. WHAAAAT. Don’t even bring in the “E” word. I’m literally still trying to psyche myself into attending classes and you’re telling me that they’re already coming to an end?!

Another reason why i’m finally coming to terms that i need to set up some proper rules for myself to actually abide to is noticing how much time i waste in a day. Telling myself i’m going to hit the sheets early and then spending another six hours on my laptop, just streaming one episode after another (you know how it is with these binge marathons) and suddenly seeing the sun peek at me from between my curtains meaning that either a) I’m going to go to sleep at 6 a.m. and wake up at 4 p.m. or b) i’m going to force myself to wake up at 11 a.m. and spend the rest of the day pissed and unable to find the motivation to do anything and eventually giving in to a nice lengthy nap in bed which will also end up taking a good part of my day. But since i rarely even have the discipline to wake up early in the first place, it would most likely end up being the former option.

For example, earlier today i was supposed to hit the park with my best friend to do something that i’ve needed to do for the past two weeks but haven’t gotten around to (procrastination-ception, anyone?). My initial plan was to meet her at noon., maybe grab a late lunch and then go to the park. But in typical expectations versus reality fashion, what happened was i woke up at noon, i ate some breakfast, watched some cartoons, took a shower and realized that i was sleepy again by 3 so i took a nap and woke up at 4.30, dropped by my boyfriend’s office and then eventually reached her place at 7. SEVEN. That’s four hours later than i had planned. And i’m ashamed to say that this isn’t the first time.

I used to pride myself on being able to do whatever i want, being extravagant wherever possible, high on life and its pleasures. I usually sneer inwardly (unpopular opinion alert) at punctual people and smugly wonder to myself how many years of their life have gone to waste just waiting on other people. But right now i’m looking back on my life and it’s slowly coming to me that perhaps i’m no better. How much time gets wasted in a day; how much potential productivity has gone to waste just from me being a lazy, self-indulgent git? Most importantly, how much weight have i put on from never being able to or wanting to tell myself no and never ever making myself wait for anything?

And most simply put, when was the last time i forced myself to wake up early?

I don’t even know.

I’m not saying that i’m going to turn into a puritan or anything like that. I’m still going to take my kicks where i can get them but at the same time, i just need for there to be some barriers. I finally believe that too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. An unelightened Sheyenne would never have admitted that. So that’s a start.

With that out there, i’m going to head to sleep and try again for a better (more disciplined) day tomorrow. That’s all for tonight!