Escaping from my phone + “I need to be invisible just for today”

by alittlehoneyformyheart

I just can’t seem to tear myself away from my phone. And i recognize that it’s a real problem because i want to be away from my phone, i want to not want to check my social media every half hour. I want to not want it.

Today for some reason**, it was especially harrowing for me and i sort of exploded and overreacted and completely blew up to something insensitive my boyfriend had said earlier which resulted in me switching off my phone and stashing it away. It’s been off for a few hours and just as i thought, it feels sort of liberating. I’ve always fantasized about doing it in the way that someone like me fantasizes about trekking through the amazon and hiking up a mountain; sort of the way someone imagines picking at a huge scab on their shin. Morbid yet completely mesmerizing. Like, “i’d never do something like that but it sounds kind of fun and i think there’s a wild possibility of me actually enjoying it if i was forced into doing so, like at gun point or something”.

** I say “for some reason” but the thing is, i have a specific way that i like to be woken up. And it’s very specific in the sense that it doesn’t leave a lot of room for mistakes yet it makes a big difference in the Sheyenne (that’s my name?) that you’re getting. If you’re going to wake me up, it’s best you a) don’t do it angrily, b) don’t open the door in a rough manner/shock me, c) don’t be curt about it and expect me to jump to attention cause there’s a higher chance of me snarling and clawing off your face or d) don’t take this lightly and wake me up in a joking manner cause that’s just as bad. In fact, most times a few average sounding knocks do the trick just fine. Either that or the approach which involves lots of loving pats on the head, a few rubs on the shoulder, some hugs and very angelic whispering of my name. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I’m kidding. Or at least my boyfriend wishes i was hahahaha but in all honesty, my boyfriend really does a great job of waking me! Or he just lets me sleep on and on which tbh is the best approach 150% of the time.

So yeah, the point of this post is that i woke up to some annoying texts from my boyfriend and some others and some of them wanted me to do things for them and idk it just put such a downer on my day first thing in the morning because i literally wanted to spend an entire day doing nothing and everything. You know, those typical days that you spend in your room doing nothing important yet at the same time making crucial random decisions like finally sorting out your old nail polish or redecorating a corner of your room. Stuff like that. I didn’t do any of the things that they wanted me to do at the end of the day but a part of me still felt this burden at the back of my mind telling me that i shouldn’t be having as much fun holing myself up like that because i had things to do and by not doing them i was letting people down. Idk. Shit like that. So when my boyfriend kept texting me boring annoying things about cars (because my dad is thinking of selling of my car and getting another one) and when anything has to do with my boyfriend and a family member (especially when it’s my dad), it stresses me out like anything. Plus it’s about cars. I hate talking about cars and mundane things like selling my stuff off or about work or about politics etc. etc.. And i know it’s so selfish of me but i’d honestly prefer to be brought in only at the end during the actual decision making and not during the whole process of discussing bumpers and history of accidents and gearboxes and radiators. I hate it.

Then my boyfriend made a shitty, insensitive joke that was the last straw for me. Like, to him it was just a douchey joke but for me, it hit home and i got furious and started yexting (yelling via texting?) and crying and he was shocked about it. He called me up and we yelled for a few seconds in which i told him to just stay away for the day. Like, don’t even text me, don’t even reply me just fucking don’t. This was just one instance where talking does nothing but exacerbate the situation. Just don’t. say. anything. I don’t even want to see you typing just don’t–

He eventually obliged after realizing i was dead serious. I switched off my phone, threw it in a drawer and that was that. You see, the problem was that i woke up today not wanting to talk much. I didn’t want to talk at all, in fact. Anything concerning matters more serious than the latest One Direction video or how long i want my eggs boiled and you’ve lost me. At least that’s how i feel today.

But everything’s all good with my boyfriend now. I messaged him on Facebook (hey i never said anything about social media on my laptop, right? My laptop is a whole different story!) a while after that and told him i was sorry for overreacting, i just needed time away from my phone. I need to not be so accessible. And he understood. Although i’m not too sure he grasped when i said “today’s just one of those days when i have to be a bad girlfriend and say, i don’t want to have to report where i am or answer what i’m doing 5 times a day, i don’t want to have to validate or think twice about why i chose to spend today in bed not doing anything, i just want to be invisible” because he just messaged me on facebook and went “what are you doing? i’m going to take a nap! Love you!”. Lol.

[But i have to say it just speaks volumes about our relationship, the fact that we have the right amount of trust between us that he doesn’t jump to conclusions or panics about what or who? i’m planning on doing because i tell him i need to be off the grid for a little while. He did ask me out front if i was really talking about a break from my phone or if i really meant a break from him but that was it, really.]

So yeah, apparently i’ve become the type of person who takes breaks from life. It’s been 3 hours and i don’t plan on switching on my phone for the next five hours or so. Or idk even maybe until tomorrow. It’s funny because i thought i had a surefire way of acing at handphone etiquette to avoid blowouts like these. I actually always have my phone silent 99% of the time. No vibrations, no nothing. Because that way, when i check my phone it means i want to be found, when i do check my texts it’s basically me going “okay am i mentally ready to deal with people looking for me? Yes? Okay go”. Maybe in a way that’s the reason why when i do actually check my phone, it swallows me up because there’s overwhelmingly so much to catch up on. Maybe i’m just as bad as the people constantly on their phones, it’s just a matter of perspective.

That’s all for now.

xx

Advertisements