An Alternate Post + How i really felt upon reaching home
(Disclaimer: This is an alternate post to the one i published yesterday. This is how i actually felt upon setting foot at home post-getaway. But like i mentioned, i didn’t want this to be the first post i put up after such a great trip, i feel like my boyfriend deserves more credit than that after putting it all together. It wouldn’t be fair to him for me to mar the memory of our weekend together with problems at home or any negative vibes i was exuding during the aftermath.)
I didn’t bring my laptop with me after all! I just got back from my four day trip on the road (about 16 hours in total in the car) with my boyfriend and i am freaking exhausted. I’m not even sure why i’m so burnt out but i literally got home, said a brief hi to my family, took a quick shower, unpacked my backpack and am currently already in bed.
My dad just got back from his own one week retreat from some hike in Lawas or something. I’m so glad that he’s back safe and sound but i really can’t bring myself to listen to yet another long, long, loooonng one-sided conversation where he ego trips continuously til kingdom come. Like, just listening to snippets of it while i went to the kitchen and to the bathroom made me walk a little bit faster. Something along the lines of, “and then ah out of the 500 hikers there, i was top fifty! *unsubtly puffs chest out and waits for some kind of applause that my mom showers upon him*. She hangs on to every word like it’s her job (and maybe it is). But I couldn’t be bothered. I mean, i suppose i should be a dutiful daughter and give him the time of day but it’s not like he’s ever properly listened to any of my stories or taken an interest in what i say anyway. Plus to put it bluntly, i’d rather gnaw off my ring finger and replace it with a cocktail sausage than put myself through another session of that.
And hello, i did greet him when i got back? I said hi and i asked how his trip went but he was too busy talking over me to hear so i left them to it and went to my room to unwind. When going out to make my green tea i heard yet another excerpt about how he had confronted one of the other hikers who had left my dad’s bag somewhere and how he was so convinced that it was a ploy to “slow him down”, implying but not so much as verbally saying that he was one of the fastest hikers and everyone else was envious of him. In fact, it was my mum who said as much after that, no doubt to my father’s smug satisfaction.
I’d heard enough to make me want to puke all the way across the border and out of this country. And this is why i’m so bloody bitter all the time. I was brought up in a household where it’s all about the world coming to get you, always the victim when you don’t get what you want and always the “champion” whom everyone is jealous of and talking about when you do. It’s sickening and i think my 17 year old brother (let’s just call him “H’ from here on) is finally getting the gist of it. Personally, at the “ripe old age” of 22, i’ve had to go through a lot of things to gradually grasp that it’s not always about “the others”; victory doesn’t have to be about someone else’s downfall, your failure doesn’t always have to be a consequence of someone stepping on your shoulders on the way up.
I remember a few years back when i was still an “overly-eager to please” attention striving teenager and telling my mom about an incident where i had told on someone resulting in me getting a place instead of that person and at the back of my head, just… waiting for my mother to tell me that it was wrong, that it wasn’t fair and that it was mean and that there was more to winning than getting ahead of people and stepping on all their heads, but she didn’t. Instead, she quietly radiated approval while going about her business like her daughter hadn’t just revealed that she had willingly backstabbed a friend to get what she wanted. And that was the moment i realized that i had to be my own person who had to develop my own mentality and figure out myself what was right or wrong about the world instead of relying on my parents to guide me to the right path. Because in all honesty, that would probably never happen. They were just too laden down with their own past, their own thoughts and mind frames and their own fucked up upbringings to even think of breaking the cycle.
It’s currently 4pm the next day: I eventually started feeling bad about cooping myself in my room under the guise that i was “soo tired” and making sure that i was seen sighing from exhaustion and busy with unpacking with a super weary look on my face. But apparently, i hadn’t done enough of a good job of it or my acting skills have gone to bust because my mom confronted me a few minutes ago, with her back to me (but of course, always busy doing something else, forsaking any chances of eye contact with her offspring). “Why aren’t you talking to your father?”
I obviously recoiled with indignant defiance, “whaaaat? I did!”
“No, you just went up to your room, no hugs no kisses didn’t even ask him how his hike was etc.”
Yeah because i’m not an ass kisser? Plus no one asked me how my trip went? And also because i knew if i did, i’d never hear the end of it and i’d probably still be standing in front of his laptop having to nod with adoring eyes at every picture on the damned slideshow this very second? Yeah, i did *busies myself with a very reflective look into the fridge*”
“Even your brother is the same. Got back from his work at midnight and didn’t even bother to say anything.”
“Well, you can’t put the blame entirely on us, can you?”
Now i’m pretty sure my brother said something to him as well, just like i did. I don’t think any of us would actually just walk past him after a week of not meeting and completely ignore him. H and I started talking a few days ago when i was on the way to K.K. so we’re okay but on further thought, i suppose the both of us (separately, not conspiratorially or anything) have yet to get over this fact. You don’t just get over something like that with a blink of an eye. It takes some recovery and time and space apart– certainly not just a week or so, unfortunately for our dear father who didn’t quite think it through before he pitted these two siblings against each other, spinning things waaay out of proportion.
But to be quite frank with you, i am beyond tired of playing the angsty teen card. I am about 5 or 6 years past the age requirements and i never imagined that i would still be so disgruntled at my parents at this age.
Sigh. There’s just so many things running through my head right now. So many dilemmas, so many decisions, i’m just at the stage where i’m trying my best to shape my life the way i want and need it to be. A lot of pruning a lot of shedding a lot of deliberating on what needs to stay and what needs to go or to be worked on.
Going to get ready to leave the house for the day and meet some friends and maybe see D if i have time after ❤ That’s all for now! xx