Secret post (NOT ready to come out of the closet just yet)

by alittlehoneyformyheart

So i just downloaded, okay fine why do i even bother denying my granny technologically impaired self, i just got my boyfriend to download “Four” for me and i have to say, while i felt like One Direction was sort of slipping under lately in terms of popularity what with the weed controversy and other things, all the tracks that i have heard so far have been really, really good. In fact, i didn’t even get past the fourth track “18” (no that’s the name of the song, “18” lol) for three days because it was so amazing. And because i was on my first day of period, it even made me cry the whole time while i was driving and singing because i love my boyfriend so much. It was so stupid.

But i totes memorized that song within the first day of listening to it. Ugh so goooood *adds it to my secret list of wedding songs that the 14 year old in me would definitely approve of*

But then i listened to “Fool’s Gold” and it just went entirely through me. It’s such a beautifully unique song about how this guy knows that this girl is using him and yet it fails to repel him and instead he continues on falling for her “fool’s gold”. Questionable synopsis but give it a listen and you’ll see how self-explanatory it is. But the reason why it stuck with me so much was because, well, i always pride myself on being extremely good at stepping in other people’s shoes and imagining myself in their situations and when i was listening to the song, i completely imagined my boyfriend relating to it! T.T

I know it seems like a very harsh way to judge myself and my boyfriend has never implied that i’ve exploited him although God knows where the hell and what state of mind i would be in right now if i didn’t have him in my life. But at the same time, there is simply no denying that he is the pillar and the ultimate constant in my life. If there is one person i can rely on, it is him. It’s gotten to the point where whenever i have a problem, i know i can count on him to get me out of it. And my family knows that as well which has undoubtedly made them even more slack when it comes to me and any issues concerning me because in their head they know that they can count on him too. In fact, 80% of the time they don’t even realize what i’m going through because by the time it reaches their ears, it’s old news and i’ve probably worked my way around it or my boyfriend has most likely gotten me out of it already.

It’s not to say that i don’t deal with my own shit, but when someone is constantly there at your beck and call, i do admit, rather than wrack my brains about it or going through the difficulty of talking to my parents about it and asking for help from them, going to my boyfriend has definitely got to be the more convenient option of the two.

So when i listened to this song, i just had to have him listen to it! Bahahahaha. I even asked him if he related to it and he laughed and said “omg that’s so you! You totally use me! I knew it!”. And while i’ve asked him this before if it bothers him that i always turn to him when facing obstacles whether it’s for opinion, advice, closure or even financial back up, he’s constantly assured me that he doesn’t mind always being there for me because it’s training for his future duties as my husband *gags from the mushiness*. And that he’s known from the beginning how “difficult” i can be.

Let me assure you, i gave him tons of disclaimers when we first got together. I even threw a few tests here and there, tests that even a freaking bear would buckle under from the pressure (i was in an unstable phase of my life at the time and i didn’t think that i deserved what he could give me plus i was expecting lots of karma from always setting out to destroy other people’s relationships– very long story– so i had no expectations of this relationship whatsoever and well, i thought he was going to leave anyway so i wanted to catalyze it and get it over with lol) and he passed them all with flying colours! And ta-dahh three years and counting and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Hehe i hope.

Yeah so anyway, back to the song, the parts that i related to the most were:

I’m like a boat on the water
You’re the raise on the waves that calm my mind
Oh every time –> This part because i am self-indulgently aware of how much he loves me and because of how he clings to me sometimes and says that i make his life colourful, mood swings and all
And I know in my heart you’re not a constant star –> This because i’m just…not a very constant person. I’m either very moody or very playful but you wouldn’t be able to tell because they’re practically interchangeable. And then there’s also the habit that i have of going, “when i marry a millionaire” or “Zayn Malik *or insert any other celebrity babe* is so freaking sexy. EUGH if he ever proposed to me…I couldn’t promise you anything. Eh no lah no lah just kidding……*whispers* but not really” 

“Boyfriend? Huh what? Who?”

“And yeah I’ve let you use me from the day that we first met
But I’m not done yet
Falling for you
Fool’s gold”–> Pretty self explanatory

I suppose it also has to do with me always thinking of how lucky i am to have him there in my life and to have cemented such a loving gem for my future. In a way, i guess i am also undermining myself for always thinking that i’m not worth someone as amazing or wonderful or funny or sweet as he is… sometimes i even wonder what it is that i did right to land someone as patient and kind like Demitri. Like, in a way i always feel grateful for him (in addition to my crazy suffocating love of course) and i don’t know if that’s very good.

But please don’t get the impression i’m always prostrating by his feet though because that is far from the picture. In fact, my friends and family always tell me off for being so mean to him. But i swear, in my heart i’m head over heels for him. I’m just trying so hard to avoid being the girl who gushes all over her boyfriend and makes things uncomfortable for all her single lady friends!

Favourite moment of the entire music video right hurrrr. Love this face! Oh come here, bb 

Okay that’s all i really had to say other than how much i freaking love this song. Ending it abruptly (what am i talking about, i always end things abruptly! In fact, my teachers used to praise my writing skills all the time but the only thing that i always needed to improve on were my “conclusive paragraphs” eugh) since i have to wake up in 3.5 hours time. Yay me.

Good morning! xx