Lump in throat
I’ve been meaning to write something here for quite a while but as you can tell, it hasn’t happened. It’s been ten days since my grandfather passed away and honestly, i’m still having trouble accepting it. I can’t say “wow time flies by so fast, it’s already 10 days!” and yet neither can i say “oh it feels so long ago so much has happened, i can’t believe it has only been less than two weeks”. To be completely honest, i relate to neither. I’m still in a weird place. I cry in the most unexpected places at the most unexpected times. I don’t think anyone notices because i don’t clutch at my chest and howl in emotional agony, like i don’t do it for attention, i just get sort of quiet and look at my phone while furiously blinking away the tears.
Tonight we went for karaoke at a place called “Diva” lounge (smelled of toilets and the karaoke system was horribly faulty despite the interior being quite nice) and we were singing “Story of My Life” by One Direction and all of a sudden, i’m getting choked up because of Louis’ family picture where his grandparents fade into nothing indicating that they’re no longer alive. Trying to chase down the swelling in my throat, what comes to mind is my dad saying to me “i’m just sorry that he’ll never be there to see you on your wedding day” and suddenly i can no longer hold it in and i’m crying and there’s really no point hiding it since tears are already rolling down my face anyway.
I got over it fairly quickly but resumed getting my cry on when i got home, in the privacy of my rented bedroom. The problem is that sometimes i don’t quite know how to handle it myself either. Over the years i’ve developed a sort of overactive coping mechanism from dealing with so much shit from so many idiots from all walks of life, not less from my own home, that i’ve become accustomed to just bouncing back up. It’s good because i shake things off easily. Yet at the same time people tend to forget that you’re going through a rough patch and they assume that you’re okay because you’re so used to acting fine that it doesn’t even seem or feel like acting anymore– it becomes second nature. And sometimes because i try getting up too fast, people see it as me being unaffected and moving on too fast, beyond an appropriate pace.
For example, I went clubbing yesterday and two days after my grandfather passed away, which was also on the day of his funeral, i went on an island getaway that had been planned several weeks in advance (everyone urged me to go and admittedly, it didn’t take much pushing because what was expected of me anyway from so far away? Would it have been more appropriate for me to stay at home in bed and weep for the whole weekend on my own?) so i went. I did have fun, i made some new friends, strengthened bonds with my old ones and yet surprisingly and unsurprisingly it didn’t make any of it easier. I still think of him no less, no matter what i’m doing, no matter where i am.
I’m unsure of what the point of this post is. Perhaps i’m less confident than i really seem, perhaps i’m trying to prove something to myself or otherwise. All i know for sure is that i am sure of nothing. Unsure of what will happen when i get back, unsure if i’ll ever be clear about my feelings about losing my grandfather, unsure of whether i am even really okay yet or barely past the acceptance stage. I miss you and that’s all i know. I wish i could tell if you knew too.