This weariness, it grows
I know we’re friends now and that we decided to call it a truce. Or rather you did and i half reluctantly allowed myself to be swung whichever way the wind was blowing. But as i tried to foster the same intimacy that we once shared as confidantes and as the conversation dwindled down to nothing but a one sided condescending berate on your part, i allowed myself to wander and wondered, was it always like this? Were you always such a patronising asshole when it came to reinforcing your opinions?
And the answer came clear to me– yes, yes, a million times yes.
Ironically, we were talking about false friends and i brought up whether it was necessary to maintain the illusion of friendship when it brought me down so. To which you brusquely replied “people will only shit all over you if you’re too nice”. 1) That is highly disgusting use of imagery, we’re talking about people here, not pigeons 2) Are you speaking from experience?
And 3) You have never been more right in your life. Because look at us. I’ve let you in countless of times and each time you screw me over harder than the last time. So yes, i am too nice. And yes, if this goes on, i’ll be wasting time maintaining ties with people like you who in your words “will shit all over me” (still disgusting no matter how many times i think about it). It’s ironic but in speaking against these people (and indirectly against me) you gave me the true answer to what i should have done to our “friendship” a long, long time ago.
There you go, to the top of the list of people who “will defecate all over me given the chance” which also happens to be synonymous to the list of “wankers who annoy me to no end and have no business in my life other than to boast listlessly about irrelevant things and ruin my day”. That’s all.
And i do feel it, i feel it all the time now. The love i had for you, the soft spot that always had your name carved out in the inner recesses of my heart. It’s gone. The sad part is you don’t even know it yet. And this empty space, it grows, it grows everyday. The sadness of love lost, the beauty of holding on for moments on end. But it gets filled too, filled with a satisfied appreciation of what i have, who i have and what i could have lost as a result of you.