Have you ever been through those days where you just get so sick of society and everyone around you that you just want to disappear into oblivion for a while? I’m going through that at the moment. What with the endless internship search and the usual struggle between wanting to go bulimic and yet loving food too much, everything has just gotten too much to handle.
I get teary all the time, day and night just doesn’t matter anymore, i stare in the mirror not recognizing myself, there’s just nothing to cling on to right now. Not sure if it has to do with the fact that i’m on summer break which means that i’ve gotten rusty at living a structured life hence can no longer deal with the smallest issues or if it’s because of my fucked up sleeping schedule which has me going to bed at 2pm and waking up at 8pm for breakfast. I just feel so drowsy all the time and i read somewhere that oddly enough, oversleeping can make you even more sleepier throughout the day.
My expectations of myself and my expectations of what i think other people expect of me weigh me down and sometimes i imagine myself sinking. But that’s for another day.
To add to it all, i am constantly bombarded by obnoxious assholes who won’t get the hint. Why am i friends with puffed up losers who have no sense of propriety or consideration or awareness whatsoever? More significantly, why are you still in my life when i don’t even like you that much in the first place? I can’t stand your guts, your voice, your attitude, your personality so why haven’t i punched you in the throat yet?
But upon serious thought, i suppose it has to do with my fear of regret. I’m afraid of completely pushing these people out of my life because what if. What if i miss them when i’m feeling better. What if they come in handy in the future. What if all along they’ve been good friends to me but i’ve just been such a moody bitch to even realize.
Which is why i’ve decided to take a small “break” and limit my interactions to what is only what i deem necessary which means i won’t be posting as much on any obvious social media platforms (i.e. facebook because EVERYONE is there, just waiting for you to go online to pounce). Being in a fragile state, i don’t think it’s fair to expose myself to people who i might hurt or lash out at.
Plus i just don’t want to deal with your shit right now. Or ever actually. Remind me, when have i ever offered to deal with it in the first place? I wish your mother had taught you how and when to keep your mouth shut. Do you know how you put up with some people out of habit but when you really think about it, there was never really any reason to? Just the mere sight of some people and their pictures just makes me question myself and all the choices i’ve ever made about the company i keep and what i put myself through for the sake of diplomacy.
Do everyone a favor and just don’t come back. Ever. Stay where you are. I’ll feel better eventually but you’ll be annoying for the rest of your damn life.