Tell me you won’t fuck this up
We are both two very, very different people from when we first began this journey we now bluntly mutually decide to call a friendship. I use the word “bluntly” in this case to mean exactly what i mean it to mean; blunt i.e. not sharp, incapable of hurting, unprovocative, undeceiving and honest.
I type these very words with a certain meticulousness that i cannot explain. But if i were to try, it feels like i’m trying my best not to overstep any lines, any boundaries that might spiral me into the long-winded past. One that i’m not sure that i would survive once more. I have baggage now, i have collateral, the love of my life is at stake should i fuck. this. up. I can no longer put myself in this free fall, head first into the very dump that i have tried so hard to hoist myself from because i am no longer in this on my own. My heart is not mine alone to recklessly put on the line as i would once have without a second’s hesitations. It belongs to the very one it has yearned for from its very first cut to its last. The very one who has earned it and deserved it and kept it so lovingly as one of his most honoured treasures. The one whom it has been longing to be at one with all its life.
But even the strongest threads get caught on thorns. I would have loved you forever if you had let me. I would have.
But never again. That i promise.
The words i want to ask and should be asking is, can i trust you not to fuck me over once again? And yet the words that reverberate in my head, the real question here is, can i trust myself?