My heart swelled twice its size, only to promptly burst into a million pieces

by alittlehoneyformyheart

But the real heartbreak comes when my baby brother, who’s 8, suddenly says to me as we’re waiting in the foyer as he’s sitting down on the couch and staring at his jeans, “I’m going to miss you, Shyshy”. And i see his eyes getting pink and he’s looking away trying to brush them away. I hug him and as flattered as i am that someone will miss me that much and show it that openly, it breaks me to see him curbing his tears. I appease him with the idea of the airplane that he’ll be boarding in a few hours and all the parks that they’re going to visit and it holds him for a while. He maintains his cool as he gets into the car but as i’m saying my goodbyes to the rest, he bursts into silent tears, face scrunched up and all. 

So about ten minutes ago, my family drove off to get on a plane to Singapore for a family vacation trip, minus me because i made some other plans prior. Like, waay prior so i won’t be seeing them til early January. It seems like a really short time to cry about but it’s the first time that my family is leaving me first and not the other way round. It seems infinitely harder this way.

Anyone who spends even 2 minutes just skimming through here can tell that my relationship with my family is pretty rocky but it’s a funny neurotic kind of rocky. In close proximity, it’s like trying to maneuver your way around a thorny bush…made out of knives. But pull us apart and put us in different places for more than a day and you’d have better luck ripping chewing gum from your scalp.

While many a time i have dreamt of storming out of the house and never coming back after a particularly thunderous fight, the pull of my two youngest siblings have always beckoned me home, never leaving me resolute long enough to act on my impulses. While i don’t dedicate every waking minute at home for them, i do make it a point to spend quality time with them almost everyday even if for just 10 minutes. I spoil them, i talk to them, i coo at them, i scold and lecture them but at the end of the day, it can’t be denied that as much as a non family person i claim to be, i love them to absolute bits and pieces.

I had a huge verbal argument with my mum about 4 hours ago and while she’s always the one to be very emotional about things, our goodbyes were at best, cordial with red eyes and no hint of smile. Me and my dad have always been fairly okay with goodbyes with each other because we know that with distance comes the best and most loving parts of our relationship. Since my other brother is 16, he’s going through a “idk idc f u” sort of phase so i wasn’t very hopeful with our goodbyes though we did maintain a “bye love you bye take care ya okay ya ya okay bye love you”.

But the real heartbreak comes when my baby brother, who’s 8, suddenly says to me as we’re waiting in the foyer as he’s sitting down on the couch and staring at his jeans, “I’m going to miss you, Shyshy”. And i see his eyes getting pink and he’s looking away trying to brush them away. I hug him and as flattered as i am that someone will miss me that much and show it that openly, it breaks me to see him curbing his tears. I appease him with the idea of the airplane that he’ll be boarding in a few hours and all the parks that they’re going to visit and it holds him for a while. He maintains his cool as he gets into the car but as i’m saying my goodbyes to the rest, he bursts into silent tears, face scrunched up and all.

I myself am losing my composure by the moment but i keep things even by soothing him and rubbing his back and saying all kinds of big sister nonsense, anything to stop him from crying. To make things worst, his older brother who has already been desensitized like the rest of us adults who have festered in this household, is giving him hell by telling him to shut up and not to be such a wuss and to s.t.o.p. crying. I shut him up several times, repeating that there is nothing wrong whatsoever in missing someone and loving someone and not being afraid of showing it. I don’t want my baby Wally to grow up looking to his older brother for an example and coming away with the memory of that.

So i waved them all the way until i couldn’t see them, went back into my empty living room and howled and howled like a mad woman. My heart breaks with every thought that i am ditching them and leaving them, no longer an exclusive member of this crazy family. My family. I don’t go out with them, i don’t eat with them, i don’t go on vacations with them, i have to make a big effort to attend important events that shouldn’t even require effort or thought. I used to but not anymore. And it saddens me. It saddens me that my baby Wally and baby Timmy will never get to see that side and will always grow up with the impression that i was always a visitor to the home that we shared. They don’t understand why i’m so angry all the time at the other adults, why i’m always fighting with them or snapping at them. They will forever in their minds, think of those characteristics as a default part of me.

And not one that was nurtured and borne with time, rage and disappointment.

But fucking hell, heaven knows i love them to bloody smithereens. Every. Single. One. Of them.

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