“Why does everything you say have to be such a quarrel?”

by alittlehoneyformyheart

Says the family who never listens unless you’re screaming into a loudspeaker and on the verge of flipping a table.

I’ve been in this home for 21 years, i’m well aware of how things work around here. And for you to suddenly just turn the situation around and say “omg why are you shouting, can’t you talk nicely? Why do you have to be so aggressive?”, a lifetime flashes through my brain and i doubt myself for a moment and think, “Did i imagine all of it?”

The times when i would come home and think to myself, today is the day that no one will pull you down. No one can drag you down unless you let them and you won’t let them.

The times when i’d prep myself up to tell them something important, telling myself, NO, you will be the bigger person and you will do this calmly and rationally. And they will listen and accept what you have to say and reply you in an even manner because they’re your family.

When i’d force myself to look on the bright side and say, of course they’ll listen to me! They love me, no matter what and she’s my mother and he’s my father, since i believe that it is so crucial that they hear what i have to say, they will believe it too.

I was always wrong. There were never any happy endings, at most a sigh of relief behind closed doors. It always ended in tears or yells and fits of rage and “NO YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO WHAT I’M SAYING” and slamming of doors and sometimes the reopening of doors only to close it with even more force than before.

I remember so much how frustrated i would be because no one ever understood me or even tried to grasp whatever it was i was trying to say, no matter how irrational it sounded at first. Frustrated to the point of tears and exhaustion.

Now tell me why i am so aggressive and so defensive all at the same time. Now tell me why every conversation i enter with you guys, i enter fully armed.

You tell me.

Filled with neverending rage, forever simmering below the surface, ready to bubble over at a moment’s notice.

Advertisements