I really shouldn’t

by alittlehoneyformyheart

What’s a better time to fuck your brain up with memories from the past then when you have three tests to study for?

I know i shouldn’t invest so much in  the past, i know i shouldn’t still be bothered by things like these and i especially know that people can change. Everyone has skeletons in their closets and i of all people should sympathise with that

but at times i can’t help but get hit with flashbacks.

These memories weren’t horrendous or criminal or anything like that, in fact, in an average Asian background you could say that it’s pretty normal but i do understand why people get fucked up from being abused as a child.

I wasn’t abused, in fact i had a normal amount of loving from both parents thrown on me but what bothers me is the fact that because i was so young, i obviously couldn’t defend myself, not even a strong word to put a stop to it.

If it was going to happen, it was going to happen and anything i did to stand in the way would just make it even worse.

Whenever people ask me out of frustration, “Why are you so paranoid? Why are you always so defensive?”

This is why. I don’t want to ever be vulnerable in that way again, feeling helpless and fearful will always be the number one thing on my mind to not be.

My boyfriend craves his childhood and yearns for it to the point of secret tears. I guess he has some underlying issues there where i have had nightmares. I would do almost anything to not have to think back or relive my childhood again.

And i guess age has softened my parents but in my case, age has done nothing but made me more ruthless if anything.

Ask almost any Asian kid and you can bet that they’ve had the same experience, some have had it worst while others were faced with mere empty threats. But it doesn’t make it justifiable.

I think that’s why i don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to think of the possibility that i’ll fuck them up. I don’t want them to turn 21 and be carrying on with their lives and suddenly being forced to think back of the times where they were belted with no mercy, pleas falling unto deaf, angry ears. Or that time when they lost their new colour pencils and waited and waited quietly in their rooms for the inevitable beating that would rain upon them seemingly endless. I don’t want to be at the end of that simmering hatred and anger forever embedded in my future sons and daughters.

Just waiting and waiting for history to repeat itself, half looking forward to it and half dreading it, because you know this time, you’ve got the power and 21 years of living is a long time to prepare yourself to fight back.

I’m so fucked up. I have all these disgusting emotional scars around me that no amount of mind cleansing can scrub off. I can’t change that. I will always be haunted by these memories even in the midst of a laughing crowd, even when i’m standing in the very centre, my core remains disturbed.