I refuse to let history repeat itself
I saw this on my newsfeed and felt a tug at my heartstrings. I have to be the first one to admit that i’ve always been number one at pushing people away, intentionally or unintentionally. Although more recently in life it’s been more on the unintentional side. And i’ve come to the realization that each time i went through my “i’m going to fuck you up so hard in the guts” phase, i was always going through some internal dilemma or the other. It can be from something so little like not having enough sleep (which happens more often that i’d like) and feeling absolutely shitty about myself to something more serious like being in a bad situation at home and not feeling like i want to talk about it or that i can’t because people wouldn’t understand which frustrates me. Then comes out the monster in me which just struts around casually swinging five fucking swords, ready to slice through anything which has the misfortune to step foot in my way, paper cut by paper cut.
But i don’t want to be that person anymore. I’ve changed for better since my last rampage. The years in between have borne in upon me more lessons that i could ever have wished to learn from and also thankfully, more solutions to my problems and means of escape (hi, boyfriend <3). At the end of the day, not only does it take its toll on the people around me but also a heavier one on me knowing that i’ve treated people so terribly, especially friends who don’t deserve it, friends who could have otherwise been my friends for a long, long time to come, only to have our friendship severed before its time. I mean, my temper has always been there and always will be (and my sleeping schedule will always be fucked up) but it’s the fact that i need to feel better about myself to feel better about people that stands out. The truth is, i need to stop feeling like shit all the time.
I refuse to let history repeat itself.