I guess sometimes i just come on too strongly for some people.
Okay most people.
I used to think that it was a privilege to have the guts to express yourself freely but lately i’m starting to wish that sometimes i could zip it up. I’m too straight up. I just let things fly with the brusque mentality of “oh this is my opinion this is what i think is right and i have every right to it, these are your flaws, do not tell me to calm down, i won’t because your argument is invalid”. But it sounds extra terrible now that i’ve gone and put it that way. I went through this phase where i was mute for a while in the sense that i was too depressed to share my opinions and thoughts with anyone and during this time, i just craved for my old self back, the one who wouldn’t have any second thoughts about chewing your head off and spitting it back at you. The girl who used to fight fire with fire. Recklessness with ruthlessness.
And now she’s here again and look where i am. Not in a happy place. I feel like everyone secretly hates me. I even know a person or two who has delayed accepting my friend request on facebook (i know this sounds extremely petty but it’s a big deal for me when someone doesn’t accept your friend request on facebook, especially when we have so many mutual friends). This just leaves me recalling every single encounter we’ve had recently and just over analysing every single bit of it, like “Oh perhaps i should’ve noticed the way he said “yes” to me when i asked him that question” or “wow thinking back, that “excuse me” really sounded rough, like he wanted to slap my face with a vegetable grater or something”.
In my head (or perhaps even in reality) they’re secretly mulling over the times they’ve heard me bitching about something they said (but okay to my credit, at least i wasn’t doing it behind their backs, it was within earshot. I’M EXPRESSIVE OKAY), or the times that i’ve given them the death glare and snapped “don’t tell me to calm down i can’t be calm until…!” or the times i’ve almost bitten their fingers off for pointing them somewhere near my face right after i’ve told them off. Okay to clarify i don’t act like this on a daily basis i’m actually referring to a one week forum which i volunteered to be a part of. It was really stressful at times despite me loving every minute of it because we had a bunch of delegates under us and we had to cater to their every need and yet sometimes there was difficulty in doing so because of clashes with other delegates needs and timing etc.
And time and time again, i feed this irrational fear inside of me of being left out in the cold that i try too much to push myself inside the circle, which obviously only pushes everyone else out. I can’t. I just can’t.
I know you can’t make everyone like you just because you want them to and i know that you can’t please everyone. No one gets through their lives without ruffling a few feathers and stepping on a few toes here and there when standing up for your beliefs. But at this rate i’m going, i’m practically stampeding through a crowd- in stilletos. Yeah. That bad. I just need someone to talk to right now and idk everyone’s asleep. Or not checking their phones or too busy idk. Or yeah maybe they hate me too.
I don’t know what to do with myself right now.