Today my grandfather and my two younger siblings got baptized. My grandfather’s baptism is especially special because he only accepted Christ less than two weeks ago. I would like to say that i’m extremely happy because i never thought the day would come and yet i can’t help but feel a sort of silent despair at the thought that i won’t be able to see him again. That he won’t wait for me to come back because while he still remembers me, he could barely see me through Skype just now, he couldn’t hear me and i certainly couldn’t hug him. My grandfather who has always been the strong and stable presence in my life and now who is neither strong nor stable nor will he be present any longer. And i won’t be relevant to him in his last days when cancer finally claims him.
I didn’t see him actually get baptised because i was busy typing in caps at my boyfriend who has suddenly become incompetent at holding a Skype session which actually has volume, is upright and isn’t focused on his shoes. He also couldn’t seem to grasp the fact that him muting his mic would not prevent me from making a noise and embarrassing him in front of the whole church but rather prevent me from hearing anything whatsoever. So that wasn’t too pleasant.
So after lots of keyboard slamming, he finally managed to get the job done right and i finally managed to calm my titties…and cue the tears. I watched the kids get baptised and i cried as i watched my little sister get in front with her adorable fluffy white dress and pink heels, looking nervous and lost as she kept looking at my parents for cues. I saw my baby Wally wipe himself off after being baptised then pass a towel to our baby sister. And i watched from so far away and i miss them so much. I’ve been away from home longer than this (i’ve only been here for less than a month) but i miss them so.
I was crying when my boyfriend suddenly passed the phone to my auntie and my grandmother so i was forced to switch on my camera suddenly. Thank God my room is still dark and the video quality was terrible so basically all i had to do was wave and talk normally and laugh eventhough i literally had tears streaming down my face the whole time.
But i guess the saddest part was at the end when i said my goodbyes so they could have their photos taken and then my boyfriend said “look, your dad” and i saw my dad’s back and suddenly felt that i’d had enough for the day and i shut my camera off. I know he had seen my family skyping with me and i know he was probably waiting for me to ask for him. But neither of us were ready to make the move.
We’re already talking on text and whatever but face to face even through a computer screen is a different story altogether.
I don’t miss home yet. But i guess i miss the feeling that things will be the same when i get back. I miss my grandfather though. And my siblings.
That’s all for now. Although shit it took me longer to gather myself than i expected so eventhough it’s only 1:08pm, i start work at 2pm and it takes at least 15 minutes for me to get ready and another 15 minutes for me to walk so i don’t think i have time to have my hair washed. So walking to work with a bird’s nest in my hair it is!