You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing
Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you’re all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?
I cried and i cried hard.
In fact, i’m still crying and i can’t stop. I used to love me but it’s all gone and the problem isn’t that i try too hard. The problem is that i feel like i’m not trying hard enough. The song speaks volumes to me and i relate to it in the deepest recesses of my being but at the same time, i don’t think i’ll ever take any advice from it. To not try would be to completely lose myself more than i already have, to stop trying would be indirect suicide, to my health to my social life to my confidence to my self-esteem. I have to try, i have to keep going because what will happen to me if i don’t? Will i fall into a deeper slump than already am in?
I’ve had body image problems for as long as i could remember. I’ve been on a diet from as early as i was taught that carbohydrates are what makes you pack the pounds. I remember going into my teens and looking at my face close up in the mirror and worrying that no guy would ever kiss me because of how hideous my skin was. Recently, my dressing table light broke and it was a few weeks before i actually got around to having it repaired. During the time in the middle before i had it fixed, i’d gotten used to doing my makeup next to my window on my table with the help of a small handheld mirror because of the natural lighting. And then my dressing table light got fixed and yet i still found myself sticking to that tiny mirror and avoiding it. I think somehow along the way i’d gotten accustomed to only seeing small portions of myself at a time under bad lighting and the thought of being able to see the entire upper half of my body under harsh lighting frightened me. The blemishes, the scars, the pimples, my chapped lips, all over my cheeks and neck, my fat jaw and my thick almost non-existent neck and my chin, it all just disgusted me and i didn’t/don’t want to see it.
The problem is i need to change every single thing before my life can officially start. And i’m afraid that if i start loving myself, my flaws will cease to exist in my eyes and i’ll never reach my destination. I’m afraid to give my natural self the time of day because she doesn’t deserve it for not trying hard enough.
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don’t you like you?
No. And i don’t want to.
Edit: I don’t mean to sound so dark but that’s just how i see things most of the time. But here is a song that i can imagine myself relating to just as well on better days. Enjoy!