A Little Honey For My Heart

Just your untypical youth, in so many words. Content unrestricted.

Thank God Skype’s video quality is terrible

Today my grandfather and my two younger siblings got baptized. My grandfather’s baptism is especially special because he only accepted Christ less than two weeks ago. I would like to say that i’m extremely happy because i never thought the day would come and yet i can’t help but feel a sort of silent despair at the thought that i won’t be able to see him again. That he won’t wait for me to come back because while he still remembers me, he could barely see me through Skype just now, he couldn’t hear me and i certainly couldn’t hug him. My grandfather who has always been the strong and stable presence in my life and now who is neither strong nor stable nor will he be present any longer. And i won’t be relevant to him in his last days when cancer finally claims him.

I didn’t see him actually get baptised because i was busy typing in caps at my boyfriend who has suddenly become incompetent at holding a Skype session which actually has volume, is upright and isn’t focused on his shoes. He also couldn’t seem to grasp the fact that him muting his mic would not prevent me from making a noise and embarrassing him in front of the whole church but rather prevent me from hearing anything whatsoever. So that wasn’t too pleasant.

So after lots of keyboard slamming, he finally managed to get the job done right and i finally managed to calm my titties…and cue the tears. I watched the kids get baptised and i cried as i watched my little sister get in front with her adorable fluffy white dress and pink heels, looking nervous and lost as she kept looking at my parents for cues. I saw my baby Wally wipe himself off after being baptised then pass a towel to our baby sister. And i watched from so far away and i miss them so much. I’ve been away from home longer than this (i’ve only been here for less than a month) but i miss them so.

I was crying when my boyfriend suddenly passed the phone to my auntie and my grandmother so i was forced to switch on my camera suddenly. Thank God my room is still dark and the video quality was terrible so basically all i had to do was wave and talk normally and laugh eventhough i literally had tears streaming down my face the whole time.

But i guess the saddest part was at the end when i said my goodbyes so they could have their photos taken and then my boyfriend said “look, your dad” and i saw my dad’s back and suddenly felt that i’d had enough for the day and i shut my camera off. I know he had seen my family skyping with me and i know he was probably waiting for me to ask for him. But neither of us were ready to make the move.

We’re already talking on text and whatever but face to face even through a computer screen is a different story altogether.

I don’t miss home yet. But i guess i miss the feeling that things will be the same when i get back. I miss my grandfather though. And my siblings.

That’s all for now. Although shit it took me longer to gather myself than i expected so eventhough it’s only 1:08pm, i start work at 2pm and it takes at least 15 minutes for me to get ready and another 15 minutes for me to walk so i don’t think i have time to have my hair washed. So walking to work with a bird’s nest in my hair it is!

Update from Jak City #3: Weekends

Or Monday. Or Wednesday. Or Thursday.

Since arriving here, i haven’t appreciated weekends this much since…ever. With my crazy working hours (in which i do nothing from 12-10pm), i obviously very rarely have time to do anything. With the traffic in Jakarta, there’s no such thing as a quick brunch or breakfast if you’re thinking of heading anywhere that involves taking a vehicle of some sort. And while Jakarta is yet another city that never sleeps, i can’t exactly do any shopping or lounging around after 10pm. Therefore, my weekends are precious asf to me. Like, you literally cannot buy my weekends from me. Okay maybe i’d spare you one Saturday for a million dollars but tough luck getting anything more.

So far my weekends have been fairly eventful and relaxed. Last week i went to the WTF which a music festival featuring Ellie Goulding, Azealia Banks, Havana Brown, Jessie Andrews, Timeflies, Banks and the like! I’m fairly proud of myself considering last week was the first week in which i was finally left on my own because my boyfriend has to go back to Brunei. It’s ironic because he’s working in Brunei which is where i’m from and i’m working in Jakarta where he’s from. I honestly thought it would take longer for me to make friends and to actually get myself out of the house but before the week was over, i got in contact with some of the other interns also from the same university as me but interning in different offices in Jakarta and we scheduled a meetup that very Saturday. Andddddd without wasting time (or even meeting her first), i asked one of the girls if she wanted to go to the festival with me on Sunday. I know it’s unusual considering we were only meeting each other for the first time on Saturday but i did not want to let my first event slip by me just like that. So i took the chance of the possibility of her being a complete weirdo and it turns out that she’s pretty cool and sporting! So yayyy!

Anyway, back to my weekends being precious. My boyfriend’s family has been asking me out every weekend and i feel so rude saying no but omg if only you understood how important these two days are to me! And while i get along chiefly with them, i definitely don’t want to spend my only free time spreading pleasantries and smiling politely and making small talk and pretending to have the time of my life when all i really want to do is just spread out and relax… in a mall. That’s all i ask for. And my “mother in law” hasn’t asked me to go to church yet which i’m grateful for because i don’t have to decline but she’s been asking me every Sunday if i have plans and eugh i hope she never drops the question! I know i’m a Christian but it’s just complicated for reasons i can’t explain in black and white okay!

Today, i woke up pretty late and since one of the girls opted out because she has some friends over from Brunei and we stayed out “late” the night before (by late i mean 10pm because the rest of the girls aren’t much for the night scene but omg someone FIND ME SOME CLUBBING MATES PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING) and i thought of staying at home the entire day but my boyfriend, who knows me pretty damn well, told me to go out because while staying in at 1pm seems fairly feasible, come night i’ll  be pulling my hair out in regret. So i got my gel manicure done at Nail Sanctuary at Lotte Shopping Avenue (more on that in another post soon if i remember!) and later on met up with a friend for dinner at Steakhouse Hotel by Holy Cow because we’d been craving for steaks.

IT. WAS. AMAZING. The mushroom sauce was to dieeeee for. But halfway through the meal, i got really sick and started dry heaving whenever my friend wasn’t looking and it was not a pretty sight. I specifically ordered tenderloin steak because the waiter said that it was the fattiest and i loveee steak fats, especially lamb, so when i started gagging at the mere sight of my half eaten steak i knew something was wrong. For those of you who know me personally, you’ll know that my favourite tag line is “i’m gonna puke” and yet ironically, i rarely ever do in real life. It’s just something i can’t do, not to save my life. Lol. It was so sad! Ever since i got here, i’ve been sick, i’ve had fever, i’ve been getting frequent cold sweats and constant nausea from the cab rides. I’ve even gotten gastric. My boyfriend says it’s just cause my immune system isn’t used to the dirt and pollution that Jakarta has. But what worries me is the frequent sweating i get even when i’m in a fully air conditioned room, i’ll get directly in front of the aircon but the moment i step away my forehead starts beading again. Creyes.

BUT I STILL LOVE JAKARTA AND I DON’T KNOW IF I WANT TO GO HOME. OKAY. Sorry for this lame post, it actually took me two days to complete it. Lol. I want to start doing some reviews of the places i’ve been and some stuff that i’ve tried but i really haven’t had the time to. But soon! That’s all for now <3

Don’t fight me on this

This is just going to be a short post (update: not really). But i’ve just been doing lots of thinking. Unintentional thinking, that is. I don’t want to think about it but i can’t help it. Whenever i see or hear people talk about their family and how much they miss them and love them and want to spend the rest of their lives with them, i feel my heart being cemented and it’s like there’s a cold stone wall slowly expanding around it and covering it with every thought that comes to my mind.

From my previous post i mentioned that i left Brunei on very bad terms with my family and while i’ve patched things up already with my dad and my mum, some days i get these flashbacks and as hard i try to blink them all away, i can’t block these blows out. And someday i must confess, i don’t even try. I’m filled with a passive sort of anger and revenge and there’ll always be that part of me that wants to keep my distance, to turn away and never look back. I’ll always love my siblings and yet they’re far too young to understand the depth of these complications and conflicts that scar me so deeply, i fear i’ll never recover.

So while i’m here complaining and bitching about how long my working hours are, there’s a part of me which wishes that this will never end. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to face reality. I don’t want to have to fight all the time and to have to put up a strong front. It’s tiring being the bitch that everyone loves to hate at home, it’s sad playing the bad person all the time and yet if i don’t, who will. Tread or be trodden on, that’s how it’s always been. You fight me i fight harder and that will show you not to fight me. I’m tired and i’m exhausted. My mental will has been depleted after being worn through. I’m so so tired. I don’t miss home and when my boyfriend tells me that he wishes November would come faster so that we can be together again, i resent him for it. Not because i don’t want to see him but because it’s all very easy for him to want me to go home when i’m the one who has to face everything. He’ll always be an definite part of my future, can’t he let me savour the present?

The awkwardness of it all, the hotness of the place i call home, the iciness of the blood that binds us all as relations, i don’t want to deal with it. My grandfather has cancer and the last i heard it was at a terminal stage. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him before i left because he went to sleep early and i was running away and packing my things as fast i could anyway. Any day now i could wake up one grandfather less and i haven’t done anything about it. It’s not that i don’t want to, it’s just that my mother is making it very hard for me to reach my grandfather without having to go through my father. I think she knows that i haven’t spoken to him personally and that i don’t plan to until i get back home when it’s an absolute must (we communicate through the family group chat but even then, my barriers surround me, i’m not ready to forget yet, not ready, not ready). So there’s that and it makes me dread the idea of home even more.

I’ve made myself a home here and it feels so temporary that i embrace it with such vigour and battle my daily challenges with a brave face and a strong heart. It won’t last forever and yet i’m adamant to act like it will or it would break  my heart so. My room is basic and clean and new, it has a tv, an aircon, a single bed, a small kitchen downstairs, my own toilet, my cupboard and i fucking love it. I love it. I REALLY DO. This is my home, my peaceful home where i can shut everything and everyone out should i choose to. It’s comfortable and i get to live in it without a care in the world.

I’m not anyone here. I’m just Sheyenne the bimbotic intern from that weird, rich country who gets her hair done before coming into work and carries a handbag around instead of a backpack like everyone else who spends her weekends brunching at beautiful restaurants and shopping to her heart’s content and dancing her feet off at music festivals. I don’t have to be the bitch daughter or the bitch sister. I don’t have to be the fake dutiful granddaughter who tries her hardest not to let her impatience at this whole family business show. I don’t have to be that friend who’s outwardly strong and snappy and yet secretly lets everyone step all over her until she doesn’t. I don’t have to. I can start anew here. Too bad it’s only for a few months.

My take on TBS Nutriganic’s “Drops of Youth” serum

Disclaimer: I love reviewing things but for those of you who wonder why i never post my own pictures, it’s mostly because i don’t really like the whole hassle of uploading things and transferring data, plus it doesn’t help that i’m not really the best photographer. I also know that the products that i talk about can easily be found with the help of a quick Google search, hence i’d prefer investing my energy into relaying my honest thoughts for my readers! Since i’m an avid procrastinator, just the whole process involving photos bores me and would most likely lead to it ending in the draft box. Lol

So tonight i want to talk about The Body Shop’s Nutriganics “Drops of Youth” serum which has been much hyped as a miracle product capable of transforming your skin overnight allowing you to wake up to smoother, brighter and younger feeling skin. I have friends who use it on its own instead of as a serum pre-moisturizer because they want the full effects of the product on its own but personally, i prefer going to by the book (because i’m anal that way lol) and applying it after my toner and before my moisturizer or face oil. On Makeup Alley, only 55% said that they’d repurchase it and after reading the reviews, i am happy to say i am not alone in saying that i too am far from impressed by this product.

For me, it definitely wasn’t worth the hype, nor the price. It took me weeks to decide i wanted to drop $50 on a tiny bottle of serum but being fully immersed in my skin care addiction at the time, i finally bought it. It wasn’t just that it was overhyped, i legitly wanted to see something the next day…but i didn’t. A month passed and i still didn’t notice any noticeable differences and now it’s been about four months, i’m more than halfway through the bottle and still zero :(

Don’t get me wrong, it does feel fresh with its lightweight consistency and it definitely has the makings of my ideal serum texture (minus its functionality) as i do enjoy lighter feeling products, especially since there tends to be a lot of layering going on during our 12-step beauty routines. The Drops of Youth absorbs well into the skin without leaving overly sticky residue, making it more comfortable and less icky when applying a thicker night cream on top.

So my conclusion (taking into consideration other reviews and observations that i’ve made from elsewhere) is that it doesn’t work and if it does, it heavily relies on your skin type and on the condition of your skin. It doesn’t do any miracles unless your skin is already in a good state and clear to begin with (as most products tend to be; mere enhancers). My skin has a few dark spots on it from past acne scars and i do break out in pimples fairly often so this Nutriganics product did nothing for me. I give it 2.5 stars but only because i still use it when i’m feeling really lazy (which happens on a frequent basis) just to feel like i’m doing something for my skin…even if i can’t see it. 

P.s. BTW that lie about only using 2-3 drops on every single serum bottle is ridiculous. I use an entire pump per use on average! At least!

That’s all! xx


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